Can't Stop the Moon Rush

When it comes to the Thanksgiving travel season, everyone has their own game plan. Some take a day off from work and get on the road while the rest of us are killing time until the bossman says we can go. Others seek public transportation, preferring to be crammed into large airplanes or express trains rather than their own vehicles. A third small but clever group convinces friends and family to come to them, so that they may enjoy sitting by the fire instead of on the Turnpike. And there’s Condon and his grass roots movement – the Moon Rushers.

While I can by no means take credit for such a practice, I wholeheartedly endorse such a travel itinerary. The premise is simple: Wait Them Out.

Leaving your home much later then the sane people allows one to cruise at your normal driving velocity without any hindrance of gridlock, congestion, and all of the fun that comes with getting 3 miles per gallon. Conventional wisdom says that the earlier you begin your journey, the sooner you will arrive at your destination. Moon Rushers just put sand in Conventional wisdom’s gas tank.

Wait Them Out.

Moon Rushers wait until the sun has long set and most travelers have checked in to hotels or made it to Grandmother’s house. They effectively neutralize expected traffic by killing the time in far more enjoyable places than the driver’s seat of a crawling sedan. This Thanksgiving, I used the DC rush hour to catch a late matinee of Harry Potter. While you were on the Beltway, I was taking in the Quidditch World Cup. How? I waited them out.

Moon Rushers don’t forget things when they pack, either. Why? They are not rushed to get an early start and can actually think about the three days of clothes that are getting thrown into your bag. They’re not the ones wearing a sweater and gym shorts at Thanksgiving dinner. Nay, Moon Rushers are sharply dressed, well-packed, and feasting in style.

“But Chris, why isn’t everybody a Moon Rusher?”

That’s really a good question, Inner Monologue. If being a Moon Rusher is the solution to traffic avoidance, Conventional wisdom dictates that everyone would wait until 10:15 at night to drive from DC to Jersey. Hey, remember what we did to Conventional wisdom? That’s right. Sand. Tank. Oh, and we waited them out.

The real reason that not everyone prefers the life of the Moon Rusher is that not every Sunday driver can withstand the fortitude required to complete a successful Moon Rush. The reason is simple – we drive in the MIDDLE of the NIGHT. Moon Rushers have an archenemy that must be defeated in order to reach their destination. You guessed it.

Sleepytime.

Driving at night is hard. Especially when you have been awake for over 16 hours. Moon rushing requires an ability to defy the odds and not only stay awake outside your typical schedule, but also operate a 1-ton piece of machinery at 70 miles per hour. Well fear not, the Moon Rushers have a Code. It is a Code that reveals the secrets of fending off the thoughts of introducing Mr. Fender to Mr. Guardrail.

Keys to Staying Awake on a Moon Rush

• Music is your friend. Between the radio and CDs, keep a ready source of music that you can sing at the top of your lungs without any reservations. Utilization of the vocal chords works wonder. Rookie Moon Rushers start with the classics: Bon Jovi and Journey.
• Video Kills the Radio Star – With a limited water supply, your old pipes may not get you through. Follow an SUV with a DVD player and try and figure out what’s on. Animated flicks are the easiest to follow, but hey, settle for infomercials if it helps.
• Icy Blast – A shock to your vehicular climate will do wonders to give you a short-term burst of energy. Roll down the window. Stick your forearm out for 30 seconds. This method, of course, will became less effective with each use, so you may need to resort to using your head. By putting it out the window, too. (Note: stop singing when the window’s open. Truckers will think you’re crazy.)
• Invent passengers – While Katie was sleeping on the way up Wednesday, I picked up a fictional hitchhiker named Zeus. Zeus, when not serving king of the Gods, loves Su do ku puzzles. Told me all about them. NOTE: Making up people does not make you crazy. But it does allow you to ride in the HOV lanes.