All Day and All of the Night

The Kinks must have been killer students.

The idea of an all-nighter should only 1) pertain and 2) be attractive to those between the ages of 18-22 and attend a full-time undergraduate program of study. Such an academic learning tool should only be employed by such a college student when 1) there’s way too much fun happening to do your schoolwork during normal hours and 2) your professors have ganged up on you to try and make you crack like it’s the opening scenes in Full Metal Jacket. Well, guess what? Last night was an all-nighter, despite the facts that I 1) am not an undergraduate student and 2) am not wearing a jacket, full metal or otherwise.

Yawn.

For graduate students with a penchant for biting off more than standard chewable quantity, finals in December could be the worst week of the year. In fact, the only thing I can think of worse than finishing all deliverables for four classes while working full-time in a span of a week would be a 7-day marathon viewing of “Mama’s Family: The Complete Collection” on DVD. What’s that? I’m supposed to be Christmas shopping this week, too? You’re kidding, right? That’s it. You’re all getting this for Christmas.

So last night, my finals week came to a head with a 12 page paper on the economic theories of John Maynard Keynes and Joseph Schumpeter. Here’s my thesis: it’s an Austrain guy and an English guy arguing why Adam Smith sucks. Oh, and one other thing – it’s singled spaced. And as of 10pm last night, the amount of written paper on a scale of NOT to SO ranged somewhere around…well you get the joke.

All-nighter, here we come.Except there is a problem here. As it has been well-documented in the YAB Archives, any lack of motion on Condon’s part for more than 12 seconds will guarantee that he’s fallen asleep for good. And after doing two take home tests in two days, you better believe I’m starting to run on empty. In this day and age, I’m just not capable of staying awake the entire night. I have a better chance of making it as a race horse jockey. That doubles as a lawn gnome. When I’m not busy as Christina Toms’ stunt double.

So from about 12:15 until 2:30 last night, I was asleep on the couch (my old friend.) But other than that, I was slamming away on the keyboard about the precepts of entrepreneurship, creative destruction, and general equilibrium theory. (With the occasional run through of checking all your blogs – why don’t any of you update between 3 and 4 AM??) Nope, I just don’t have the energy to pull an all-nighter anymore. I suppose I could quote Toby Keith’s “Not as Good as I Once Was”, but I actually have no idea what the chorus actually means.

My first all-nighter occurred fall semester, 1998 during my freshman year. I had a 10 pager (double spaced, thank God) for my history seminar and it was due at like 9 am the next morning. Now my speed of type wasn’t nearly where it is now, which is why I expected that to take me most of the night. I finished at 5am. When you finish at 5am, mere hours from morning, it becomes a pride issue for a freshman who has never pulled an all-nighter before. Why not stay up to say that you did it?!? 3 hours of sleep aren’t going to help much, right? So that’s what I did. I stayed up, flipped on the 19” TV, and watched whatever was on the campus movie channel.

Titanic.

Rule of thumb: Even if you’re by yourself, do not watch movies that try to make their audience cry when you haven’t slept in the last 24 hours. It will turn ANYONE into a leaky faucet. I just remember sitting there on my bed, watching Gloria Stuart throw that damn necklace off of the SS Bill Paxton, and thinking to myself, “Why am I crying? Why? Just why?”