Collaborative Chaos

And I’m spent.

Part of the MBA-charmed kind of life lies in the coming together of various students to contribute and collaborate on a common effort in order to achieve desired results, those results determined by the preferences and requirements of an authority figure, most often a professor of a class which the various students have in common. Or, in much plainer Condonspeak – Business students do GROUP WORK.

And they like it as much as Mariah Carey likes a sensible turtleneck and slacks.

Under the right circumstances, group work can be fun. It requires an interesting task at hand and a group entirely composed of good friends who are equally capable. My ideal group would be made of Sara Throckmorton, Jasen Andersen, and Scooter the Muppet. (No offense, Nordberg, it’s just that if Scooter was able to produce the Muppet Show each night with all of those crazy people, he’s gotta be effective in group work. If you want, you can deflect the glare from Jasen’s shiny head during presentations. Thanks.)

But now that I’m in grad school and out on my own, effective group members are hard to come by. I spend the past weekend, not to mention the last three days in overdrive to get a mega project complete for my Project Management course. I had a right-hand and a left-hand man on this project, but their combined efforts couldn’t even produce an audible round of applause. They say no man is an island, but this past week proved them wrong. I was the main island stuck in an archipelago of ineptitude.

Ok, fine. I’ll turn off the metaphor generator now.

In order to commemorate an 80 page paper where I composed, oh, 73 pages of it, I’d like to countdown an all-time Top Ten list of faulty group members from my better days at W&M. Protecting their true identities won’t be a problem, since the brain trust of Yaz, Sara, Nord, and Chris have had aliases for them for years. We only give people nicknames who deserved them, and you only deserved them if you decided to go against the flow of knowledge and hinder class in some matter.

-Idiot Girl (Real Initials: R.S.) – You see, when Nordberg thinks someone needs a nickname, he gets right to the point. No sense on bringing creativity into things, he's get to the point. That’s what you get with Nordberg – all business. If he was a food critic, he’d write thing like “the steak was very…meaty. And steaklike. Where was I? Oh, yeah, the countdown.

-Trophy Wife (C.B) - On the first day of Consumer Behavior, when asked by Szykman her three ideal jobs, she said “Writer, CIA agent, or a trophy wife.” I can’t make this stuff up.

-Captain Obvious (K.C.) – You gotta have this person in class. The person who says things like “do we need to know the words in bold red print?” She also managed to use her connections in group projects to get us absolutely nowhere.

-Summarizing Chris (C.M.) – Ok, you’re sitting in a group meeting. You say, “I think the best part about USAToday’s business plan is their ability to produce a paper in both print and web format.” And then Summarizing Chris says, “I think what Condon is saying is that USAToday really is on to something with print and web format.” Sigh.

-ShoeGirl (A.W.) - Shoegirl sat behind Sara and me in E-tail Management. Her shoes were never same twice (mostly heels, occasionally shiny silver tennis shoes), and her MAKEUP AND JEWELRY MATCHED HER SHOES. Sorority personified.

-Duchovny (L.F.) – I’m still convinced that this guy was on the X-Files. He was the splitting image of ole’ D-Squared, but with a lot less paranoia. In fact, most classes I couldn’t tell if he was asleep or abducted by aliens.

-Crazy Girl (L.H.) – Yeah, guess who came up with this one, too?

-Rockstar (S.L.) – There’s one guy in class that insisted on mentioned he was in a band with every comment he made. He could find a way to do it no matter the topic. “Yeah, I think Heinz was stupid to make other colored-ketchup. Although my bass player is allergic to tomatoes, no matter the color.” WHAT?

-Wendy Hi-lighter – (W.B.) Ok, she’s a B-school exemption, since Dave and I met her in Comparative Politics, but she’s gotta make the list. In government classes, many students highlight important facts from lectures that may come in handy later. Wendy decided her entire notebook was important. If she left it out on Barksdale, I bet helicopters would try and land on it.

-Finance Dork – (C.N.) – Aw hell, it’s Chris Nordberg.