Slicin' the FKL

Here’s an unusual YAB comment from the weekend. And it’s not the first of its kind. “Hey Chris Condon, you got an interesting blog here! I'm definitely bookmarking you right now! I have a Fantasy Knives site. It pretty much covers fantasy knife related stuff. Come and check out fantasy knife if you get time :-)”

Now granted, I could finally buckle like a belt and put up the word verification in the comment process to avoid this sort of spam I end up deleting on my own, but where would we be then? Monday morning with writer’s block? I don’t think so. We like out YAB readers to be able to comment without having to correctly spell “svtwfm” or “b3foof.”

This particular comment topic, fantasy knives, does not appear on recent posts, either. In fact, only the column titled “Dihydrogen Oxide” receives visits from our crafty visitor. I have no idea what fantasy knives have to do with our study on water coolers, but I guess we attract all types here. Even British people in search of the phrase “crunchetty crunch.” But I think there’s a far more important issue here.

Fantasy Knives?!?!?!?

When it comes to fantasy sports, I’m no rookie. Having been the general manager and owner over the years for approximately 7 fantasy football teams, 4 in fantasy hockey, 3 squads on the e-diamond, and even a brief but misguided foray into fantasy golf, I’ve become the textbook example of how to run a team to a 3rd place finish. But while managing 4 teams at once (currently) had covered my interest in simulated management for the fall, my interest has once again been raised with the advent of a new sport – fantasy knives!

Being the GM of a Fantasy Knife team can’t be easy. When your entire roster have an acute ability to “cut you,” personnel issues are a bit of a touchy subject. Now I’ve never run a fantasy knife team before, but I’m willing to try new things and fully expect to not come out of my rookie season unscathed. But before I can even play the first match, I’ve got to get myself a team.

The fantasy knife draft is only a few weeks away, and since our random commenting friends have only just informed me of the sport this past weekend, I’ve got some research to do. And since I have no idea how the sport of knives is actually played, we’re just going to have to make it up as we go along (Nothing has changed, it seems.)

The categories in which FKL teams are to rack up the statistics are fairly simple compared to other fantasy sports, and there’s only five of them – “Shiny,” “Pointy,” “Sharp,” “Size,” and “KQ,” which stands for Knife Quotient. The KQ is difficult to define (like a QB rating), but ultimately is scored on how scared a person would get if being chased by a madman (this season, he’s sweaty-toothed) with said implement. It’s pretty confusing, I’ll admit, but I’ll try anything once.

Except Gogurt.

Being late to the game, I’m not getting the number 1 pick in my FKL draft, so I guess I’ll have to do without “Machete.” But I think with some luck and some draft savvy, I’ll be able to build a championship team. Just imagine a starting lineup with the following all-stars:

1. Cleaver
2. Scalpel
3. Swiss Army
4. Bowie
5. Excalibur

Take my knife. Please.