S.S. Carlton

On weekend evenings this time of year, two different events are certain. First, every person looking to spread Christmas cheer decides to cram into their local mall to purchase gifts in the name of Consumerism. Second, for everyone else who was unable to find a parking spot at said mall, end up attending their office Christmas party. For this blog, it looks like we can put Condon in Column B.

The annual rite of passage that is the office Christmas party ends up in one of two forms as well. If it is chosen to be held during working hours and on office premises, there’s a good chance by the end you’ll be begging to go back to work. Such activities include:

• Deck the Copier with Reams of Paper
• Having yourself a Merry Little Coffee Break
• Secret Santa is Coming to Town (and bringing you a paperweight)
• Ugly Christmas Sweater Syndrome (UCSS)
• Awkward Speech from Boss who is watching Productivity go down the tubes

But for some lucky employees, the company decides to break out beyond the cubicle walls and really thank the work force for a year’s worth of hard work (or at least a few month’s worth of marginally effective work) My company does it up big come Christmas. Which is why last Friday I spent the evening at the Tyson’s Ritz Carlton in my holiday finest. Party!

Now if only I find the ballroom…

The Ritz Carlton, I have realized over the last two years, is not built like a normal hotel. Normal hotels have a standard entrance on the first floor with a lobby that is the only entrance into the building. From the lobby, there are elevators to take guests up to their rooms or to other hotel facilities. The meeting rooms and large rentable spaces also reside on either the first floor (with the lobby) or perhaps on a subfloor, so that the associated kitchen can be built at ground leve. The Ritz Carlton was not built this way. It was built like a cruise ship.

I’ve been (on) a cruise ship. Once. But from my limited research, the standard architecture is such. The important floors, those floors where the management spend great expense to make nice for guests, are nowhere near the lobby. Restaurants, dance halls, off-shore casinos – all way above the ground floor. On a boat, the ground floor has two types of rooms. 1) Giant mechanical rooms with important boat stuff like “engines,” “rotors,” and “torpedo tubes.” (for high-seas battles between Carnival and Norwegian) 2) Steerage-small staterooms for staff and cheapskate college students taking the senior trips from William and Mary. (um, so I hear.)

Extra passengers can buy discounted tickets and sleep in the torpedo tubes.

The Ritz Carlton is no different. The bottom floors have nothing fancy, except a small lobby for business meetings. Check-in is up on 4. There’s probably some smaller hotel rooms for cheapskate recent college graduates who want to say “Hey, I’ve stayed in the hotel where Michael Jordan lived while in DC!” And one would have to climb out of the depths of the Ritz to find that the ballroom, the fancy shops and spa, not to mention the entrance to the adjacent garage all reside on the 6th floor, just where a cruise ship would have the buffet or the pool. It this madness? No. Is it fancy for the sake of fancy? Yep.

And that, kids, is how to spend 20 minutes looking for your office’s Christmas party.