Cups of Life, Groups of Death

Last time we did this, it was the MLB all-star game, which about 7 people worldwide were genuinely interested in. In this iteration of the YAB Running Diary, we’re going across the Atlantic to give you our breaking analysis of the 2006 World Cup Selection Event. We figured that covering an event expected to garner a worldwide TV audience of 350 million is news that could help our readership. At about 4 o’clock today, 32 nations will find out their initial opponents for WC06, and because of a complex lottery process that leaves the Dalai Lama scratching his head, we’re try and makes sense of it all. I hear Dalai’s a huge soccer fan.

What we do know thus far is that 8 countries have been identified as top seeds, meaning that they have an inherent advantage over their three pool mates. That’s fine, they’ve earned it. But it’s like giving someone Park Place at the beginning of Monopoly, and you know they’re going to pull the “Advance to Boardwalk” card on their first roll to Community Chest.

There’s a problem here, though. The Netherlands and Czech Republic are ranked 2 and 3 in the world, and they’re waiting in the foyer waiting to be seated. They’re going to end up in somebody’s group, and likely steal the show. Picture Jason Mraz about to start his concert when somebody notices Bruce Springsteen getting a pretzel at the concession stand. Sorry Mraz, you’ve been upstaged by the Boss. And the Boss wears wooden shoes.

Ok, I’ll shut up and wait for the seedings. I’m already at 250 words.

3:26 – As we wait for anything, it should be noted that Germany, as host country, has been seeded in Group A, and the defending champ, Brazil, is already in Group F. Looks like some subliminal advertising to me. Hmm…

3:44 – Apparently if you want something to start, you need it to wait until you leave your computer to use the restroom. Next time I’m waiting for a movie to get through with commercials, I’m going to go for a run around the theater. The seeds have been places. From A-H, we’re going Germany, England, Argentina, Mexico, Italy, Brazil, France, and Spain. ‘Bout time.

3:46 – This is where the fun begins. Ecuador is blinking on my screen. And I have no idea why. Oh, somewhere in Germany, their name has been pulled out of a hat to join…Germany. I was worried there for a second. Could have been a power outage in Ecuador or something.

3:48 – The Ivory Coast, a first time entrant, joins Argentina in C, while Paraguay is slated to chill with England in B. Paraguay, apparently has been on a hot streak as of late, and has a strong distaste for Coldplay’s music. This could get ugly.

3:49 - The Angolan powerhouse (I’m sure those words together is a first) have drawn Group D, and therefore, Mexico. Ghana will be part of Group E, with Italy. Italy doesn’t have a good track record with African nations, ever since they LOST A WAR to ETHIOPIA. Australia has gotten the Brazilians in F, and Russell Crowe promises not to hit Ronaldo in the face with a telephone.

3:52 – I’ve have France Togo in G.

3:53 – This leaves Tunisia to join the Spaniards in Group H. Instead of Germany, games will be played halfway – somewhere in the Mediterranean.

3:54 – Onto the Europeans, where the strengths of the groups will largely be decided. The Germany group grabs Poland for an Iron Curtain rematch, Sweden will be in B with England and Paraguay, and then it happens.

3:55 - Jason Mraz, thy name is Argentina. You have to play the Netherlands.

3:56 - Portugal – Still reeling from a loss to the U.S. in 2002, the Lisbonians have drawn Mexico’s Group D. While that really has little comedy value, this has been documented for the sole purpose of typing the word “Lisbonians.” I feel like this should be a word you can throw into conversation just to keep the attention of someone who is growing disinterested in the topic. “The funny thing about the Iraqi election is that there’s just an utter lack of LISBONIANS in the race.”

Ok, no more caffeine. Promise.

3:58 – #2 Czech Republic has just upstaged Ghana by also joining Italy’s Group E. Poor Ghana. It’s like Thanksgiving dinner with the Philadelphia Eagles, and Ghana just got seated between Hollis Thomas and Shawn Andrews. That makes Ghana Todd Pinkston. I’d hate to be the fourth team in this group. Group of Death potential!

3:58 Croatia, Switzerland, and Ukraine unceremoniously get placed in the remaining groups, and YABNews focus shifts to where the United States is going to end up. Of the 8 groups thus far, it’s pretty clear that some would be better than others. Here’s a breakdown, best to worst.

Group H – Spain, Ukraine, Tunisia
Group G – France, Switzerland, Korea
Group F – Brazil, Croatia, Japan
Group B – England, Paraguay, Sweden
Group A – Germany, Poland, Ecuador
Group C – Argentina, Netherlands, Ivory Coast
Group E – Italy, Czech Republic, Todd Pinkston

Group D is not an option since it already contains a North American nation.

4:00 – Serbia is like the last kid picked for EU playground dodgeball. They had to wait until all the other European kids got picked, even the LISBONIANS. They sheepishly will attend the Springsteen concert in group C.

4:02 – Costa Rica is forced to be the third team to have to play Germany on German soil in Group A. Meanwhile, things are looking good for the U.S. Of the above ranking of the 7 groups, the 2nd and 3rd worst are off the board!

4:03 – Group B is gone, too! Make that the 2nd-4th worst! Here we come, immortality! (That is as long as Group E gets filled by the likes of Japan.)

4:04 – Iran closes out D (no consequence), and the United States starts to flash. Here it comes. Which will it be? Routing the Spaniards? Fleecing the French? Battling the Brazilians? H? G? F?

4:05 – The United States have been assigned to Group E.

4:06-4:11 – Condon is passed out on the floor.

4:12 – At 4:05 this afternoon, the United States World Cup hopes took a major blow by becoming a member of this year’s Group of Death. A moment of silence, please.