Strange Shopfellows

One of the benefits of working at a corporation with an employee count in the 5 digits is the number of perks the folks over in Pirate Resources are able to negotiate on our behalf. A common corporate marketing strategy these days for many industries (cars, clothing, travel) is to offer a small discount to a huge firm in hopes all of their employees take their business to them. Now, I haven’t bought my BMW yet, but it’s nice to know that I’m a Corporate Club Customer in their showroom. I feel much less guilty about eating their complimentary cookies and test driving cars with no intent to purchase.

Well, with holiday shopping season just around the corner, it looks like Macy’s has stepped up its efforts to win my gift-giving dollars. When I returned from lunch this afternoon I found a bright Red booklet waiting for me on my chair. Now I’m sure a rep from the department store didn’t visit my cubicle during my absence, which means that my company has struck yet another corporate partnership. A partnership – in deceptive advertising (Dun-dun-DUNNN!)

(Apologies – our sound guy was let go last week. When he slammed the door behind him, it resulted in a loud…silence.)

The red Macy’s booklet, surely rife with coupons and savings just ready to spill out into my chicken salad, proclaimed “It’s our friends & family savings event!” and “We’re giving you our 20% employee discount!” There’s also a weird picture of a woman in a parka with a red Macy’s bag precariously balanced on her head. Ok…

I had no idea Macy’s and me were that close.

We’re certainly not related via the bloodlines. Macy, according to this website, finds its origins in Old French. The closest I’ve ever been to being a being Old French was eating a day-old quiche. Maybe if it was O’Macy or MacY, but it’s not looking like we’re swimming in the same gene pool. And what about friends? Don’t get me wrong, Macy’s, I had a blast registering at your place, and the fact that we’re neighbors these days garner you some privileges, but when you say everyone at my 43,000 employee company is your bud, the term friend loses a bit of its luster. It’s like an Evite where you throw a shindig and invite everyone you’ve met in the last six months.

Maybe that’s why I’m getting a 20% discount, Macy’s. Have too many people realized your clever ruse of friendship that you’ve resorted to bribing? Will you stop at nothing to ensure you don’t eat alone in the cafeteria? Well there, I’ll just be completely honest with you and your “Check Yes or Yes” ways.

I’m still interested.

Turning inside the booklet, I read what exactly the 20% friendbribe entails. After all, when it comes to friendship, it’s the small print that will tell the difference between a long-lost yearbook signee and a groomsman in your wedding.

-“Shop at any Macy’s East store or online at macys.com.” – This means one of two things. Either Macy’s is playing favorites with their Eastside buds (Come on over and play Nintendo at my place, but don’t tell anyone in California) or that Macy’s West is where the truly cool stuff is and I’m being deemed a second-class pal (Pay no attention to that Xbox on the shelf – this is old school Nintendo, baby! Bemyfriend!)
-“Pay any way you like.” – Time to test this bond. Do you guys accept produce as payment? How many bananas for those dish towels?
-“15% Off almost everything* in the Home Store” – I love the asterisk. It’s like Macy’s says that I can borrow his Legos, but had his fingers crossed behind the back the whole time. In this case, the asterisks represents “cosmetics, fragrances, selected lease depts., everyday values, restaurants, services, gift certificates, gift cards, brial kiosks, previous purchases, furniture, and mattresses.” Man, I really was in the market for a bridal kiosk, too.
-“You could win $50 instantly” – Translation: if by the slim chance that another friend or family member accidentally drops a $50 bill on the floor and you are the first to pick it up.