In my lifetime, I’m happy to say that I have won a varied assortment of award hardware. I kicked Roman tail on the National Latin Exam, reigned supreme as the Spelling Bee King, smoked the competition on Monrovia Top Five’s favorite websites, and I may be on my way to my first ever fantasy sports championship this upcoming Christmas. Yes, the accolades have certainly been nice, but at the age of 26, I am now starting to realize that there are bigger prizes to be won out there. And we’re not even talking Academy Awards or Stanley Cups. Nay, there is one award that is left for me to win that will vindicate me as stand-up gent my mom always insists I am.
Time’s Person of the Year.
The past honorees form a most impressive Who’s Who of global contributors past, and my ambition to be Person of the Year shall in no way detract from their important achievements and accomplishments. Rudy Giuliani. Pope John Paul II. The Computer. Nixon. DeGaulle. Churchill. Condon. Yeah.
I’d like to see Churchill blog from his vacation in Maine.
Occasionally, in the event of a tie or a theme, Time will select multiple recipients in order to spread the wealth and make for a better cover. As it seems, 2005 will be one of those years in particular, where 3 homo sapiens will be graced with the greatest honor a person can apparently receive. U2 frontman Bono and Bill and Melinda Gates have been selected for their tireless charitable contributions to world issues, in both monetary and time expenditures. Bono has made a living leading today’s best arena rock band, Bill designed the software interface that changed personal computing forever, and Melinda has a thing for guys with v-neck sweaters, khakis, and bright white tennis shoes. If we can’t turned to them to save the world, then just who exactly?
Now pulling double duty in order to receive such acclaim isn’t the easiest thing in the world to do. But that’s why Bono and Bill made such a great team. In order to get everything done they needed to in 2005, each was able to help the other one out in the day job. YAB got an exclusive here, showing you how great minds can think alike.
While the Family Gates was busy writing checks to develop child illness vaccines, Microsoft’s newest product, the XBOX 360, had a few final details that needed tending to. Without even hesitating, Bono stepped in. First off, Gates and his team had considered changing the base color of the system to blue, in order to more fully align with the rest of Microsoft’s product offerings. However, Bono stepped in and championed green, a nod to his Irish roots, and threatened the design team they would have to work Sundays, bloody Sundays if they refused to comply. Also, while Gates was picking up the tab for breakfast for everyone in El Salvador, Bono snuck into the testing labs and greenlit 2 new gaming titles, where players will wear XShades – oversized green-tinted sunglasses that will allow them to see the screen in XVision. But with titles like “Running to Stand Still” and “Where the Streets Have No Name,” the programmers aren’t quite sure of the game’s objective.
Meanwhile, U2 is in the midst of their Vertigo tour, and Bono has missed a few tour dates in order to hand out bracelets for the ONE campaign at local malls and libraries. Now U2 is most creative on the road, and most of their songwriting takes place there. Gates agreed to chill with the Edge, Larry, and the other guy and pen a new version of an old classic. YAB has gained possession of an excerpt…
The Start Button looms,
In the corner of your screen
Windows zoom
Faster than what you’ve seen
And Apple sucks
Except for iPod which plays this tune
We’re making bucks
We’ll have a rival product soon
You thought you beat us, Jobs
That’s one thing you thought for certain
But listen here
These Windows do not come with curtains
It’s a beautiful Gates!
Monday, November 28, 2005
Nothing But Time
Written by Chris Condon at 8:10 AM
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1 comment:
Hmmm...how surprisingly commercial the music becomes once Gates gets involved...
The latest buzz is that, while Bono is busy heading the XBOX 360 campaign, old Billy boy has taken it upon himself to produce a special cover of the U2 classic "Pride (In The Name of Love)." Gates is reported to be making the ever-so modest change of replacing the word "love" with alternating substitutions of "wealth" and "power," and shifting the focus from one of the most influential figures of the Civil Rights movement to that of the potential of corporations to have the same impact on today's economy.
When asked to comment on the newly commercialized and self-centered direction he's taking the band, Gates refused to comment. However, an anonymous source from inside Gates headquarters replied to new accusations of slander by saying "Martin Luther King Jr. doesn't need a song to remind us of his influence. Clearly he has done all he can do, but times are really getting tough now and that calls for action. Mr. Gates is simply trying to revive the U.S. economy by means of exciting new technology, which he is so graciously making available to all through the new medium of song [not price]. He is instilling new and improved values on America in order to get us through these troubling times without any agenda of his own. Bill Gates is a selfless man, a man most deserving of the title Time's Person of the Year, and anyone who says otherwise is a bloody Communist."
Both Bono and Melinda Gates could not be reached for comments.
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