Best Company Ever, Chapter 1

The nice thing about going for MBA while working full-time is that you are entitled to much more specific aspirations about where you will be following the degree's completion. Had I chosen to go full-time, it would be much harder to figure out where my placement lies when it is all said and done. But with the framework of my current place of employment in mind, I can think all I want about being the future of SAIC. And I figure this program will just be the first step on the way to occupying the title of CEO, or even better, CAO (Chief Awesome Officer). And when I get there, my innvoative management techniques will drive the firm to new heights of profitability, and maybe even awesomeness (if the latter title holds true.) These ideas have never been even fathomed by the current major heads of corporations, which is what makes me such an asset for your company. (oops...channeling job search mode. Damn.) Ok, well without further ado, I will reveal my first sweeping change once in command.

1. Replacing the entire SAIC Human Resource Staff with pirates.

Unusual? Perhaps. Funny and effective? You bet. My new H-Arrr department will function with all the adjectives that describe the current one - organized, competent, comprehensive, friendly - but will also include the much sought "swashbuckling." My pirates can do the job, but with style! Here's how the new regime will affect this departments tasks:

• Recordkeeping - Currently, there's a room with a cipher lock that stores all the paper file versions of employee's background checks, performance reviews, and salary information. Under H-Arrr, the lock will be replaced by a large, bald, and black pirate (think M.C. Duncan) with a machete, and the room will be replaced with a giant treasure chest, where folders will be filed along with rare Aztec gold coins and gawdy metallic booty.
• Recruitment - The staff now works the phones to make pre-interview calls and create job listings so that SAIC gets the most qualified applicants for the vacant positions. The pirates would bypass the avenues of phone and print by raiding local bastions of unemployment dwellers (Starbucks) and challenging applicants to swordfights. If the applicant wins, he gets an interview.
• Intracompany Correspondence - Currently, HR uses the fine art of the company memo to let me know about employee discounts with local merchants or when health plans are going to change. H-Arrr's solution: parrots that fly around the building spreading the news.
• Office Culture - Right now, I can guarantee you there are at least four HR employees in the communal kitchen chatting up The Apprentice from last night's must-see TV. If they were pirates, at the very least they would be talking while seeking out some hatches to batton down or pillaging the coffee machines.
• Termination Procedures - Beacuse I work in a company that deals with large amounts of top secret info, the procedures for leaving the company are very structured in a debriefing sort of way, and are facilitated by the HR department. New plan - Walk. The. Plank.

These management techniques are intellectual property of Chris Condon, Chief Awesome Officer indeed.