Blinding Me with Science

Even when things appear to be healing just fine, you can never be too careful with an eye injury. Therefore, I took off a little early to get out to Gainesville, VA for an eye doctor’s appointment. As you might not expect, hilarity ensued.

As I drove through I-66 traffic with the blinding speed of a drunken yak, I tried to recall the last time I had visited an eye doctor – a harder task than it sounds is. Truth is, I’ve never been to an ophthalmologist. So far, I’ve been blessed with excellent vision – a trait I hope Clara has already inherited. Case in point: when I was at the hospital with a swollen cave of a left eye, the doctor on call decided to check my vision as a precaution. Standing 20 feet away from the chart, he asked what line I could read. I’m guessing that Line “8” would have exhibited 20/20 sight. With my swollen eye:

“I can read 9. Maybe 10.”
“Oh really? Well then, be my guest.”
“A-P-O-T-C”
“Okay then.”

I’d be a fighter pilot with the eyes, you know, if I my head didn’t continually bang against the ceiling off the cockpit.

Since I lack any eye doctor experience, I didn’t quite no what to expect. Now I can’t say I wasn’t exactly fearing the worst – I’m sure the AMA has outlawed Clockwork Orange-like procedures in today’s accepted medicinal protocol, but still I have no idea. The lobby of his office seemed not unlike other offices of other doctoral pursuits, with plenty of open space, mildly comfortable chairs, and more magazines that I’ve read in my lifetime.

When it was time to get my ocular region checked out, I did all the usual expected games: “Follow the Pen,” “Stare at the Light at the End of the Tunnel,”, and the reading of “More Letters Way Far Away.” But then came the kicker surprise: dilation!

Dilation is a process by which doctor decides to ruin your short-term vision by looking for problems that may affect your long-term vision. After two quick drops to each of thy oculars, you have to wait 10-15 grueling minutes before your pupils get huge and the doc can really see what’s going on. In a doctor’s office, 10-15 minutes is a lot of time for awkward small talk with your physician of choice, so the doc exited the room leaving me to my own wits for a period of boring. To counter said boredom, he offered me a magazine that I do not normally read: Road and Track.

Conclusion: Road and Track is easily the fuzziest magazine I have ever read.

After a successful examination, you and your medically-approved beer goggles are free to go, if you promise to do the following: 1) Do not look directly into the sun. 2) Wear sunglasses for the next few hours. 3) Do not attempt to read anything until your vision returns.

Time to go to dinner at a nice restaurant with the in-laws! Now, with small-print menus!

I’ll tell you what, I made it in record time from Gainesville to Manassas. Of course, without the ability to read street signs or negotiate traffic lights, I just assumed all the lights were green.

And that everyone was honking their horns in concurrence.