Get Out Of My Testing Facility and Into My Car

Forgive the scarcity of posting as of late. You see, I’m helping my company buy a new car.

(Ok, that’s not entirely true. There’s no reason that my company would ask me to consult on a new vehicle purchase. I’m far from a car guy, and while my Honda Accord screams sensibility to any government auditor who may roll up alongside at a red light, it’s not exactly the taste that a mega technology firm. A mega technology firm like ours would make their own cars. That transform.)

As you may have guessed, we’re speaking in metaphors.

As I’ve alluded to in the past, my company is completely switching out its existing software mainframe for a new, much shinier, product. I was not part of the decision making team – my pay scale is nowhere near a conference table that such a decision would be made. We’re talking a multi-million dollar contract award here. But, while I may not have a seat in the table, that doesn’t mean they don’t want me in the room – you know, to bring them fresh coffee.

I have been assigned as an official pilot program tester. My goal is to carry out instructions that mirror things we do in our current system, to see if the new system can handle what we’re so accustomed to. How I was selected for this task, I’m not quite sure. Regardless, I’ve been given a very specific directive to complete my part of the systems testing, so that others may complete their parts – all before week’s end.

Yeah, it’s mid-day Thursday. What?

After being given the green light yesterday, I encountered a few uh, issues. First off, they want us to do this testing in a special testing room. This special testing room, sadly, is across the parking lot. This parking lot is long, and the temperature is hot. Yesterday, I valiantly crossed the asphalt inferno to complete my testing – for the good of the project. When I got to the special testing room, I found out what made it so special. It’s so special that only people 2 mm tall can enter. Or it was just locked. One of the two, I’m sure of it.

So after coming back to my own office (which required another trek across the red hot blacktop – good thing I wore shoes to work), I sat down to try and do the testing regardless from the confines of my own computer. In order to do the testing, I needed to pull data from two sources. Of course, after carefully reviewing the data, there was a bit of a disconnect.

Like getting a chipmunk to speak Swahili.

But that’s okay; I’m a smart guy and know who to call (other than the Ghostbusters) in this type of situation. With that resolved, I sat down to access the system and get moving, having already wasted an hour with these two problems alone.

“Problem with your User ID/Password. Please contact your administrator.”

WHAT?

As you can see, this isn’t exactly going as planned.

The problem here is my name is linked to every test that has yet to run, yet I have done nothing wrong. If the higher-ups are checking progress, I’m going to be the one in hot water, rather than those who set the whole thing up.

“So Condon, what do you think of our new car?”

“Well sir, I look forward to the new features that will make it way better than the old car. Its ability to hover above and blow by traffic will give us a great advantage on the roadways. However, I’m concerned that the ignition button doesn’t work, the door trunk release requires the strength of a bear to activate, and I have to climb through the sunroof to get in, but, hey I’m excited.”