Feel the Toddler Burn

It’s the middle of swimsuit season, which means whatever New Year’s Resolution you’ve put off for, oh, 7 MONTHS, has to be pulled out, dusted off, and tried on so that you can look good in the sun. According to 43Things.com, losing weight is the number one goal of all people, regardless of age or gender. An active lifestyle is the key to such an endeavor, as is an outlet for physical activity to burn off all that extra stress and calories.

Like I said, regardless of age.

Now our daughter was born some 34 days after everyone made their Resolutions for ’07, so she’s not exactly holding herself to some rigid workout ideal. However, babies by their very nature lead a sedentary lifestyle. Cycling, cross-country skiing, and playing some hoops down at the Y aren’t exactly options, when one is still working on mastering the crawl. And since rolling across the blanket will only get you so far (and so dizzy), they’re has to be other ways for babies to get that energy release.

(Note: It should be noted that we don’t have a chubby baby. We have a LONG baby. If you’re looking at a picture of a baby and think of the Michelin logo, it’s probably not our baby. Clara is all muscle. If they made Baby Under Armor, she wouldn’t even need to order the shirts with the built-in abs.)

After a recent trip to Babies ‘R Us, one thing became very clear. Babies do not exercise.

They exersauce.

While an exersaucer may sound like a Tony Little or Body by Jake infomercial of an invention, in reality it’s the best lil’ workout machine a baby can have. Yeah, that’s it over there to the left. Colorful isn’t it?

The exersaucer, as per the good folks at Evenflo, is designed to “grow with child by offering teethers and big buttons for younger babies and simple word association for older babies…18 age appropriate activities teach developmental milestones such as imitative play, hand-eye coordination and object permanence, 50 different sights and sounds are pleasing to little eyes and ears; simple word association and fun dancing lights reward baby, offer the most learning opportunities in one activity center.”

In other words, it’s A.D.D. Central.

But just because it takes the “Ooh, Shiny! Theory” to the exteme does not mean that it’s not cool. In fact, when Clara is placed in the middle of all this fun, she can’t possibly think of a place she would rather be. (And if she tried to, the “fun dancing lights” brainwash her attention span back to the present.) The following are a list of apparatus, accompanied by their Daddy-sized equivalent.

After all, if there were a Exersaucer in my size, I’d be the first one in line to buy.

1. The cell-phone – Yes, Clara has a phone that talks to her, flashes little red lights, and is ergonomically-designed for the ultimate in baby telecommunications comfort. Daddy’s version: A cell phone, obviously. Moving on.
2. Turtle on a string – The small, green, plastic turtle is on a string just so that when she knocks it off the ‘saucer, he doesn’t get too far, regardless of velocity. Her preferred activity with SGP Turtle? Spinning the ribbon around so that he ends up on such a short leash, escape is inevitable. Daddy’s version: my Dell mp3 player. I can just look at the thing and my headphones get irreversibly tangled.
3. Letters and Numbers Electronic Book Extraordinaire – Every time she turns a page, the thing reads her the letter and number of the day and plays a little reward music. Granted, she’s clearly turning the pages by accident in her quest to further torment SGP Turtle. Daddy’s version: An audiobook of Harry Potters 5-6. I need a refresh before next weekend.
4. Rattle Puppy – Rattle Puppy is a 10 inch tall dog that Clara can bend towards her with her fully-coordinated kung fu grip. After such a sparkling achieverment, she does the only logical thing – she tries to swallow Rattle Puppy. Daddy’s version: An endless supply of Gatorade through a sippy cup.
5. Peek-A-Boo Apple – One of these days, she’s going to realize that there’s a little red button that triggers this jack-in-the-box piece of fruit. The little worm that pops up laughs and courteously says hello. Daddy’s version: Whack-a-Mole. Never get tired of that one.
6. The Hanging Trio – Yes, dangling from a soft-cloth arch are three new friends that await Clara’s downward tug. Sometimes they play music, sometimes they identify polygons – whatever their choice, jovial synth music accompanies. It’s the ultimate in hand-eye coordination. Daddy’s version: You want hand-eye coordination? Hook up a Playstation.