I'm Majoring in Pre-Wash

Will Smith was no dummy. Not only did he get accepted to M.I.T, know how to pick movie scripts, and work his kids into the business, he understands the importance of vehicular hygiene this time of year. I’d like to cite his 1991 published work, “Summertime,” where he theorizes that the key to a successful July weekend afternoon is riding in a car “you spent all day waxing,” not to mention “just finishing wiping you car down.”

Even the honey with the light eyes agrees.

As for me, I appreciate the look of a freshly-washed car as much as the next guy, but I currently lack the driveway capacity to administer said cleaning. Rumor has it my apartment complex actually houses a “designated car wash area,” but it’s also rumored that they have a leasing office that “always puts the customer first.” So since I lack a hose, large water receptacle, and any type of amphibian-themed wax, I must rely on private industry to make sure I have a car worthy of being seen alongside all those jeeps and benzos.

What the hell is a Nissan sittin’ on Lorenzos, anyway?

In Northern Virginia, you have a few options as to what company you’ll let assault your ride with a room full of mechanized car washing monsters. There’s always the gas station option, for one. The gas station option is an afterthought for the gas station franchise owner. It’s his tertiary business, behind gasoline and the crap he sells inside. You’ll be lucky if all the parts are working, the pipes aren’t frozen, and the side buffer doesn’t rip off your radio antenna. Inexplicably, the gas station option waiting line is on average 6 cars deep. Apparently people like to multitask so much today that they’ve found a way to simultaneously waste time AND money.

Then you have the Raise Money for My Sports Team Car Wash. Rather than build a car wash themselves, the gas station owner will allow a bunch of local schoolchildren to hook their hoses up to his water supply and poorly scrub down the car of any sucker who’s damn near out of gas and had no choice but to turn in. The quality of this car wash is on a sliding scale. Much like the kids’ attention span, a car wash in the first half hour will be damn near exquisite. Anything after that will be phoned in. But hey, these kids have niche talents – like volleyball, swimming, track, and gymnastics. Apparently sports that lack national TV contracts are poor.

The real winner with these car washes? The neon-tinted poster board manufacturers.

And finally, you have the folks who are in business to be in the car wishing business. Yes, we have many firms along crowded commuting avenues that make a living as stand alone carwasherias. Two of the more prolific ones here in Fairfax County?The Wash Brothers: Mr. Wash and Dr. Wash.

Mr. Wash has jumped feet first into the growing cleanliness coupe industry. In the Baltimore/Washington area, he can now boast seven locations, including Vienna, Falls Church, and Arlington. Mr. Wash is a self-made man; he’s done everything he can to grow his business. (Even rudimentary website design!) When you go and see Mr. Wash, you know what you can expect. The price is well-displayed, the customer service is interpersonal and friendly, the sponges are uh, spongy, and you leave with a good solid car wash. It’s nothing fancy – Mr. Wash doesn’t having any special techniques or tricks of the trade. He just uses good old-fashioned soapy know-how to get the job done.

Dr. Wash, on the other hand, went back to school and got his degree.

Of course, since Dr. Wash is a doctor of washing, he has to roll a little differently. Rather than having a location, he’s got a practice, and that practice is on Rte. 29 in Chantilly. He’s got a bunch of advanced car wash methods within his realm of knowledge but insists on referring your car to colleagues for second opinions prior to cleaning. Rather than worry about pesky lines (like the gas stations), you make an appointment, and then wait in the parking lot of Dr. Wash for 40 minutes prior to being seen by the mops. Oh, and don’t worry about his unprinted, likely astronomical prices. Your auto insurance company will negotiate on your behalf, and you’ll probably end up with only a $7.50 co-pay. (Note: tri-color foam wax is not covered by Geico.)

To each their own, I always say, but consider this. In Sweden, they have universal car washing.