The Steve Zahn Principle

Free Food in the Kitchen!

Now that I have your undivided attention (works every time), I’d like to comment on the most recent break room offering that I encountered just yesterday. I wish it could say it was a delicacy of choice – perhaps donuts or cake would have been nice. However, it’s not an uncommon practice for a colleague to bring in more than they can chew with the intent of leaving the rest in the name of communal goodwill and sharing. And while I can’t identify said colleague, I can thank him for yesterday’s sacrificial offering of…

Cheese Balls. 25 ounces of cheese balls.

There are so many things to consider here.

First off, the mere size of this canister was staggering. Now it’s common practice for people to buy snacks at their local supermarket to keep in their desk at work. By nature of most people’s desks, these containers must be small, compact, and easily concealable when the boss walks by. The cylinder was slightly bigger than a regulation NBA basketball. No wonder the thing had found a new home in the kitchen.

Secondly, you may have glossed over the fact that this canister, when it was once full, weighed 25 ounces. I know that doesn’t seem like much, but it’s a legit pound and a half – of strictly puffed cheese and air. And 1.5 pounds of cheese balls weighs just as must as 1.5 pounds of brick, feathers, hammers, whatever. So in order to amass that amount of load, you’re going to need a whole lot of cheese balls.

384, to be exact.

You see, a serving size (according to ye tub grande) of Cheese Balls is 12. There are 32 servings in the container. I could eat one cheese ball every day of the year and still have some left over to watch next year’s Rose Bowl. (However, 4 out of 5 doctors strongly advise against this diet staple. The 5th, conversely, is crazy and is likely the type who prescribes pain killers to park benches and elm trees.)

Ultimately, cheese balls are not a filling snack, so it’s a bit of a mystery as to how they’ve managed to survive in a market with so many other satisfying options. In digestion, all you’re doing is turning puffed cheese into tightly compressed cheese powder, devoid of the nutrients that keep you (and those park benches and elm trees) healthy. So how have the Cheese Balls done it? How are they still lining the shelves alongside much worthier offerings, like Sun Chips?

I give you the Steve Zahn Principle.

Steve Zahn is one of our generation’s That Guy in That Movie. He really isn’t much of an actor, and his comedy stylings aren’t in the league of the guys who can carry a movie. He’s a bit player, who since 1992 has amassed 42 credits to his name. And of those 42, 18 are flicks a good portion of the population has seen. And while Steve Zahn isn’t the reason to go see the movie, you don’t mind that he’s there and actually enjoy his screen presence once in a while.

The secret to his success? Diversification of roles.

Every movie Steve Zahn does is a completely different genre than the last one in which he appeared. You want romantic comedy? He’s done You’ve Got Mail. Horror more your liking? Check out Joy Ride. In the mood for some action and adventure? He stars alongside McConaughey in Sahara.

Indie? Reality Bites.
War? Crimson Tide.
Animated Voice Over? Chicken Little.
Musical? That Thing You Do!
Crappy Martin Lawrence Cop Movie? National Security

You see, Cheese Balls are just one of the many forms the idea of air-puffed cheese powder takes in order to maintain shelf life. Whether it’s a curl, a rod, a doodle, or a Cheeto, it’s still the same damn thing. And yet, we’re never unhappy when it’s on a party snack table, but we never run to the store specifically for it. Like I said, it’s the Steve Zahn of snack food.