Harry Potter and the Spoiler Alert

I just got a call from my wife after she returned from a doctor’s appointment for the baby. In her 8 am travels, it was not the rush hour chaos that most vividly caught her eye and earned itself a rant. Instead, it was the 100 yard-long line that has formed outside the Fairfax Barnes and Noble, a good hour before they even open. It extended across the parking lot all the way to the abandoned Mexican restaurant that has been closed for over a year now.

(Tangential Side note: This restaurant, once “Tia’s”, has an exterior designed like an old Tijuana cantina, complete with cacti and fake tumbleweeds. The design of the building is so customized to the feel of knocking back Coronas with lime that it’s no surprise that the landlord has had difficulty finding a new tenant. Personally, I see this as a perfect service firm opportunity. What if a bunch of computer repair technicians needed some office space? Voila – Los Geekos. That, my friends, is a gimmick you can take to the bank.)

Is it that the youth of America have an unquenched thirst for overpriced bookstore lattes and a desire to buy out the entire Sudoku rack while waxing apathetic on Hemingway, Fitzgerald, and 2006 Puppy Calendars? Of course not. If they do, they would show up on time at 9 o’clock when the store actually opens and pursue such endeavors. No latte is worth waiting in line for.

In fact, I suspect that when B and N actually DO open their doors a 9 sharp, most of these pint-sized consumers won’t even go into the store. That’s not their plan for a largely humid Friday here near the Nation’s Capital. In fact, I have a feeling that it will be 15 hours from the opening of those doors that they will sit idly deliberately not participating in the commerce of the day. What, is Barnes and Noble selling concert tickets?

No, just books.

People often cite the HR race between Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa as the seminal event in the nineties that saved Major League Baseball. Who cares if the two of them were taking enough horse steroids to lap the Kentucky Derby field? It was riveting, it was exciting, and it defeated the threat of baseball backsliding into obscurity.

Children’s literature has come an awfully long way since the days of Book-It. At the same time Mac and Sammy were punishing baseballs for existing, the Internet was stealing the will kids had to read books. Books are not cool. There’s no scroll bar in books, and I can’t copy and paste my favorite chapters in e-mails for my friends to read. (Copyright infringement be damned.) And what of reading? Reading is a lot of work. If I’m going to spend my afternoon reading, it better be something truly awesome or, well, a promise of free pizza at the end of the dust jacket.

J.K. Rowling managed to 180 the children’s literature industry. She has sold 325 million books with the Harry Potter series, and come midnight tonight, another 12 million will be sold instantly in America. 12 million books, without a cent spent on marketing, advertising, or brand awareness. Not bad for a previously unemployed researcher.

No one can possibly imagine hordes of kids and adults waiting in line to buy a BOOK at the stroke of midnight ten years ago. However, it’s happening at B&N’s, Borders, Targets, and other outlets around the country tonight. Of course, had these little bookworms heard of the internet, they could get a good night’s sleep and receive it in the mail tomorrow from Amazon (guaranteed) like yours truly, but hey, who am I to dictate conventional sleep schedules?

Without further ado, I give you the 9 MEGA SPOILERS FROM HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HOLLOWS! BOOM!*

(Note: May not actually be spoilers. We’re making it up as we go.)

1. He Who Must Not Be Named is going to have a wicked time trying to fill out his 2007 Ministry Census identification papers.
2. All this time, Neville Longbottom has sucked at magic because he’s been holding his wand backwards. Silly Longbottom.
3. It will be revealed that Hufflepuff House is no longer a meekly-named also-ran in the four-square world of Hogwart’s, but rather a super-advanced cadre of wizarding ninjas. They will kill Lord Voldemort with their special brand of Magic Fu.
4. Victor Krum has been taking anabolic steroids, and is forced to forfeit his winnings from the Quidditch Qorld Cup and the Tri-Wizard Tournament.
5. Dementors aren’t evil soul-sucking fiends; they’re just misunderstood.
6. What Hermione Granger lacks in pure wizarding blood, she makes up with an exceptionally high midi-chlorian count.
7. Butterbeer is actually 180-proof grain alcohol. Yowzer.
8. Harry Potter will survive the seventh book, but by the end, he’ll be very tired. His view on formalized education will be forever jaded, and decides to live out his days as an accountant in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
9. You’re a horcrux.