QUITE FRANKLY, THIS IS A FILLER POST!

Let’s take a couple of things I’ve been meaning to write about for a few weeks and merge them, shall we?

Thing 1: While I was enjoying some time before the 4th, outside of the Commonwealth of Virginia, I got a voice mail from the Prodigal Roommate outlining a new set of state regulations that detail higher, if not excessive, driving fines here in the Old Dominion. In summary, the following violations have been amended to charge evildoers the following:

• Leaving your license at home: $750
• Speeding 20MPH over the limit: $1,050
• First-time DUI offense: $2,250
• Another 1.5 cents per gallon on this gas tax, just because they can
  

Personally, I have no intention of breaking any of the above laws, but you may. But there’s good news for those of you who read this blog from out of state – THEY DON’T APPLY TO YOU. Only Virginians will feel the wrath. (But if you care to fill up your gas tank while driving 35 in a 15 while drunk and your license flew out of the car just before – God help your soul and wallet.)

Thing 2: Clara has become quite perceptive to her surroundings in recent weeks, an excellent sign that she will have full control of all 5 senses at an early age. (This will no doubt make her wrestle internally as to why she insists on putting her foot in her mouth.) If she’s in the middle of a room, her attention can be captured by a change in lighting, the sound of your voice, the feel of your hand on her back, and the smell of fresh brick-oven pizza (rumored.) A few weeks back I had the NBA Draft on, and my little one was exposed to quite possibly the most engaging sports news personality there is (assuming “engaging” is synonymous with “freakin’ loud”): STEPHEN A. SMITH

Thing 1 and Thing 2, MERGIFIED!

The following is a conversation between Virginia "Governor" Mark Warner and Defender of the People, Philly sports columnist, and ESPN Yelling Head, STEPHEN A. SMITH.

Smith: THANK YOU FOR MEETING WITH ME, GOVERNOR WARNER.
Warner: This is no problem, Stephen. I’m glad to be available for my citizens.
Smith: I DO NOT LIVE IN VIRGINIA, BUT EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT.
Warner: And why is that?
Smith: I’M STEPHEN A. SMITH!
Warner: Ok, that doesn’t actually mean anything to me. Let’s start over. I was the governor of Virginia. And we’re here to discuss the new driving laws that became effective July 1.
Smith: QUITE FRANKLY, JOAKIM NOAH IS A TERRIBLE ADDITION TO THE CHICAGO BULLS. I DO BELIEVE THAT BEN WALLACE HAS ENOUGH HAIR FOR ONE PROFESSIONAL NBA FRANCHISE. JOAKIM NOAH BRINGS NOTHING TO THE TABLE, AND THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH DRIVING.
Warner: Ehrm, yes. I can see that. Anyways, we have added these laws to help fund 65 million dollars annually of construction, and we feel the best way to fund this is by making those who abuse our roadways pay the most.
Smith: I LOVE CHEESE DOODLES.
Warner: Huh?
Smith: MR. MARK WARNER, WOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT KOBE WANTS OUT OF LOS ANGELES? IT WOULD ME A DEVASTATING TURN OF EVENTS IF MR. MITCH KUPCHAK WERE TO TRADE THE BEST PLAYER IN THE GAME.
Warner: This is such an ill-advised interview. Why are you yelling?
Smith: THIS IS MY INSIDE VOICE.

Warner: Ok, is there any way we can wrap this out without me punching you in the mouth?
Smith: I AM OF THE OPINION THAT YOUR NEW REGULATIONS ARE A TRAVESTY AND PRESENT AN INJUSTICE TO THE PEOPLE OF VIRGINIA. I SHOULD KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT THE LAW – I PLAYED ONE ON TV. NOW ABOUT THOSE CHEESE DOODLES.
Warner: Quite frankly, this didn’t go as planned.