Aloha Mr. Newark

Thanks for the tip, Caro. I told you I’d get to this.Friends, New Jerseyans, Shoremen, – lend me your eyes. We’ve got work to do.

The role of the older brother is not an occupation that I take lightly. Your parents decided to have you first for a reason, and that reason is to dictate order and law in the life of any subsequent being they have chosen to produce. For the most part, older brothers take the form of a sage elder, crossing the pitfalls of youth before their siblings to report back. It’s a reconnaissance mission of adolescence, basically. You can do the role with much kindness and adoration and hope to be respected. Or, like Wayne did on The Wonder Years, you can force respect by employing a repetitive series of charley horses to the arm of anyone following you on the family tree.

Today, New Jersey opts for Plan Wayne.

I’m no lawyer, but I am friends with enough of ‘em that I can probably practice law in some of the states that no one cares about (you know, the ones they don’t film TV shows in.) So I feel I’m fairly qualified to comment upon (or at least mock) an article published in the Wall Street Journal Law Blog last week. Let’s break down the case in question, with mind bullets:

• British Petroleum wants to build a natural gas refinery on the New Jersey side of the Delaware River. New Jersey, the laid-back state that it is, is cool with this.
• Delaware is not, for environmental reasons.
• Delaware is playing the role of Mr.Hand, who is interested in order and discipline.
• New Jersey is Jeff Spicoli, and would love some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and liquid fuel processing right about now.
  

Now the reason that this case is noteworthy (you know, other than the glaringly obvious correlation to Fast Times at Ridgemont High), is that the crux of the issue is a border dispute, and shockingly, this is one of the few areas of law that only the Supreme Court of the United States has exclusive jurisdiction over.
If it would please the Supreme Court, I would like to make an argument on behalf of the Garden State.

Delaware sucks.

Look, Delaware, we’re really proud that you ratified the United States Constitution before anyone else could even ink their quills. Good for you. If you hadn’t pushed your way to the table, you would just be a tiny state that really holds little special significance in the fabric that has become our nation’s union. That’s right. You’d be a pointy Rhode Island.

It’s also rumored that Thomas Jefferson gave Delaware the nickname “The Diamond State,” but I wouldn’t exactly go around proclaiming this as a coup. Thomas Jefferson didn’t exactly understand the value behind such a precious gem. Rumor has it he also called his mailbox “The Diamond Box,” France “The Diamond Country,” his left foot “The Diamond Appendage” and the local sandlot “The Diamond Diamond.” Hell, we’re lucky he didn’t give us the Diamondation of Independence.

Your state university has the only female team name in the whole NCAA. How fierce.

But hey, at least famous actor Judge Reinhold is from Wilmington. And with that, my argument has come full circle.

I rest my case.