And I know you've all (well, Mattias) have been wondering how I feel about the NHL Players Lockout, which looks to wipe out the entire 2004-2005 campaign. And while I think this would be a perfect forum to explain why the players do need a bigger stake in revenue sharing at the expense of a salary cap system, and that their salaries cannot compete with those of the NFL and MLB because the league lacks a lucrative television contract, and what the league needs is to hang on to those Nashville, Ottawa, and Buffalo franchises because once you see a game live you never go back to not being a hockey fan, I have decided to sidestep the issue completely and do a different kind of analysis. A serious blog? Nope, I put it on the bus with Crazy.
With no hockey on the horizon, I have to get my "blades of steel" fix somewhere else. And while selling Cutco knives has some appeal, I've decided to improve upon ESPN.com's idea. Currently over at the "other worldwide leader in sports," they are trying to put together an all-star team of baseball players in cinema. It has its merits, but when you leave "The Rookie" off your pitching staff, and elect Fez from Summer Catch over Yeah-Yeah from the Sandlot to be your utility infielder, you've got problems.
Without any more verbosity, I give you the Hollywood Salsa Sharks, a team so impressive they could take a best of 7 with the Rangers right here, right now.
Offense
1st Line:
Left Wing - Mark Johnson, Miracle - the highest scoring American in the '80 Games.
Center - Reggie Dunlop, Slapshot - Arguably Paul Newman's finest role EVER, he mastered the art of trash talking and getting inside the goalie's head.
Right Wing - Dean Youngblood, Youngblood - Rob Lowe? A hot-headed juniors prospect? He'll be the spark this offense needs.
2nd Line:
LW - Stevie Weeks, Mystery Alaska - He's been skating the pond, I hear.
C - Adam Banks, The Mighty Ducks - Arguably the most talented player on the team. He'd be first line, but well, he's a cake-eater.
RW - Doug Dorsey, The Cutting Edge. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh...toepick!
3rd Line (checking line):
LW-C-RW: The Hanson brothers, Slapshot - the ultimate defensive forward unit short of Eddy Shore himself.
4th Line:
LW - Luis Mendoza, D2:The Mighty Ducks - Fastest player on the team, and besides, he was Benny the Jet in another life (err...movie)
C - Mike Modano, The Mighty Ducks - Call it a cameo, I call it a secret weapon.
RW - Connor Banks, Mystery Alaska- This boy is a sniper. But only when he's not aiming for a bag of Puppy Chow.
Defense
Fulton Reed, The Mighty Ducks - Has a shot from the point that automatically makes him the captain of the power play.
Tree Lane, Mystery Alaska - Paired with Reed, could be the most imposing pair in history.
Jack O'Callahan, Miracle - O.C. can fights off injuries with the best of them, and lay down the bone crushing checks needed to win.
McGill, The Mighty Ducks - This Hawk's got a mean streak to him..."Larson: What did you do??? McGill: My Job."
Les Averman, The Mighty Ducks - ok, he doesn't belong, but he's the only real true defensemen in that sacred trilogy.
Happy Gilmore, Happy Gilmore - You saw him take a beating at the batting cages. That's the toughness we need on the blueline.
Goalies
1st String: Jim Craig, Miracle - That third period performance is the greatest in movie hockey history.
2nd String: Randall Graves, Clerks - Not a single goal is scored on him and his Red Army get-up on top of the Quick Stop.
Friday, September 24, 2004
Puttin' on the Foil
Written by Chris Condon at 9:27 AM
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6 comments:
What, no Charlie?
He goes from being captian of the team to not even being on the all-star team? I know, you're just pissed that he shed his hockey roots to play Pacey, aren't you? And that Dawson's Creek only pissed you off because they went to the Carolina Hurricane's facility when they were supposed to be in Boston.
That's right, I left Charlie spazzway off the roster. Um, would you believe he gave up his roster spot to be a coach.
No, actually you read my mind. He did pull that silly Carolina in a Boston state of mind crap on DCreek, but I left him off the list because I just don't think he has the skill. Additionally, my coach has got to be Herb Brooks from Miracle, and as you can see in D3, Conway doesn't work well in a system - such a freakin' rebel.
Sudden Death? Are you KIDDING me?
Check out The Film Critic link to the right, and you'll see how good that one is. Blech.
Even I will admit that Josh Jackson has far better skills as "trapped in a perpetual love triangle, but still able to make jokes about it" Pacey Witter than as "I try hard and I'm a real team player but have no discernable talent" Charlie Conway. No room for that on this team.
Definitely impressed with this list - particularly the inclusion of Doug Dorsey. "There's only two things I do well, sweetheart, and skating's the other one." Gotta love a man with confidence.
Wow. You actually used Dean Youngblood. Fabulous! But come on...if you're going for defense, what about the scary bear looking guy from Youngblood (on the Thunderbay Bombers)???
I wouldn't have picked charlie either.
I gotta agree with Sudden Death. Even though the movie stinks, Van Damme made a SWEET save in the goalie net.
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