The only links in today's blog will be those that come with tees, fairways, and greens. If you need somewhere else to go after you read this, I've got some over there on the sidebar. I promise that going to visit Throckmosis won't leave you in a sand trap. She brings the funny.
He did it again.
Tiger Woods has become an expert at bringing the drama. Hollywood screenwriters should look to this guy for inspiration. His actions leave millions on the edge of their seats, and come time for the Masters, you're going to fall right off. Not only is this athlete charismatic, admirable, and the answer to every 90's edition Trivial Pursuit golf question, he's an outstanding golfer. Which explains why the man got fitted for his fourth green jacket in nine years yesterday. It looks like he can now wear a different one every day to the office, assuming he kicks it casual on Fridays.
When Tiger turned in his first round scorecard of 74, I think the other golfers felt they had a chance. Phil Mickleson did a little jig. Vijay sang. Duval actually started believing in his abilities. John Daly ate a cheesecake. (Ok, so Daly was going to do that anyway, but now he had an excuse.) And while all of them celebrated a bit prematurely, only Chris DiMarco kept his eyes on the prize. And that focus allowed him two things:
1. A spot in the final pairing on Masters Sunday.
2. A front-row seat for Mr. Woods’ stunning comeback.
But despite being the runner-up in this year’s Masters, Mr. DiMarco should not be totally dismayed. Firstly, he’s going to get his major, since he’s proven he’s for real (also took the silver in the PGA Championship last year.) Second, Tiger’s just extended his dominance to become the “Best Golfer Ever.” This isn’t the first title he’s gone after. As of 2000, he was dubbed by the Lord God as the “Best Tiger Ever.” (You see, God, in his free time, likes to look upon his creation and assess. And since the thing to do in 2000 was make Top 10 Lists, he decided to contribute this one. And unlike VH-1’s, His are irrefutable.
The following are a list of tigers that Tiger Woods is better than. (With Condon’s analysis, not God’s.)
Tony the Tiger – The pitchcat for Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes must bow down to this golfer based on wardrobe inferiority alone. Tiger dresses very well, largely outfitted by Nike. His Sunday red tradition is one of the best in sports today. Tony wears a stupid hankerchief. Not grrrrrrrreat. Not even good. Tony would be much cooler in a bomber jacket and shades. Then maybe his Flakes wouldn’t be so sissy.
Tigger – According to legend, the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is he’s the only one. That’s awful conceited, especially coming from a guy that annoys a melancholy donkey for entertainment. Tiger Woods is a man of the people. He’s responsible for making golf a spectator sport once again.
Hobbes – Hobbes does have some merit in this conversation, since this cat is able to stand up on two legs. But in a golf match against Mr. Woods, he’s got no chance whatsoever. First, the rules of golf are very different from those of CalvinBall. Second, Hobbes could turn into a stuffed animal when someone other than Calvin is with him. That could be embarrassing on the 18th green.
Tiger Lily – T.L, for short, was the Indian princess from Peter Pan. If I recall correctly, she doesn’t ever speak during the entire movie (just gets kidnapped by Captain Hook or some nonsense.) The coveted role of Best Tiger Ever demands a lot of media attention. How would she be able to maintain the crown if she were unable to give interviews? Next.
Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon – Great movie, but didn’t win Best Picture (lost to Gladiator.) Now Gladiator had a tiger in it, but Russell Crowe killed it. So if the crouching tiger lost to a slain tiger, how can I even think of comparing it to a Tiger who can chip in a clutch shot for birdie on 16?
Tigerclaw – Speaking of movies, the Tigerclaw is the name of the spaceship in the Worst Movie Ever, Wing Commander. Doesn’t hold a candle to Tiger Woods, and shouldn’t even be mentioned in this list. But it’s always fun to point out that JOE BRESCIA LOVES THIS MOVIE. Silly boy.
Eye of the Tiger – One of the best 80’s songs that will ever be written. It’s been in movies, it’s been in stadiums, it’s been ingrained in the collective head of society. Most recently, however, it (as well as the whole band Survivor) showed up in those Starbucks DoubleShot commercials. That’s a noble sponsorship deal, but Tiger’s got them trumped. Between Nike and Buick, a silly little (coffee-based) beverage is no match for the man with the golden swing. DoubleShot is the Jean Vandevelde of drinks.
Monday, April 04, 2005
Rising Up to the Challenge of His Rivals
Written by Chris Condon at 3:33 PM
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6 comments:
"Vijay sang." Wow. I don't know if that's really bad or really good. Kudos on the Eye of the Tiger mention - though it will be stuck in my head the rest of the day, its totally worth it.
I apologize in advance to Condon for bringing the debate instead of the funny, but I'm going to play some devils advocate on the part of Vijay (and all pigs). Allison and I have had this debate before. She will never forgive Vijay because of comments he made about Anika Sorenstam before she became the first female to tee off at a PGA event at the Colonial. He stated he hoped she would miss the cut, and that if she was paired with him he would withdraw. Vijay was just venting a feeling (not very delicately) I have had as well, that when men play sports against women, it is a no win situation and about the least fun you can have. Now I'm not talking coed teams here, I'm talking one women vs one man, or an entire team of women vs an entire team of men. If you win, you were expected to, if you lose, oh man are you going to get made fun of. And you are expected to win with a minimum of effort and in the case of contact sports, by playing extremely soft. If you go hard, its like hitting a girl, if you go soft, you're being sexist. That said, Anika is certainly not to blame for this and if you want someone to hate, Nick Price's comments were I think worse. He said Anika's actions reeked of commercialism and that she didn't qualify. Some background is needed. Anika entered the Colonial on a "sponsors exemption", which is where sponsors of the tournaments, in this case SBC I believe, can offer slots to people who didn't qualify. Anika and a few other LPGA players through history have received sponsors exemptions to PGA tournaments, but none had ever taken them. So why did Anika enter then? Earlier in 2002 a 35 year old former LPGA player, Suzy Whaley, had become the first woman to QUALIFY for a PGA event when she won a very softly attended qualifier tournament for the Greater Hartford Open. Suzy at the time was not even ranked worldwide, but was seriously considering playing in the Hartford and becoming the first woman in a PGA event. I think, and many columnist have stated similar, that Anika decided to enter the Colonial because she did want the first woman in a PGA tournament to crash and burn, giving fuel to any columnist for 20 years that woman can't play with men. If I woman is going to play with men, it should be the best female golfer ever, and franly golf is the perfect sport because it's all about you.
EDIT: did NOT want the first woman in a PGA event to crash and burn,
So in fact we all agree that the real problem is that society at large expects the man to win? I must have missed that lesson in grade school as I tromped all the little boys in gym class.
Fact Checking Time!
Yes, Sara, it's really good, not bad. Bad would have been a pun like Phil Tickles On, or something like that.
It's Annika. Not Anika. But it would be cooler as Annikonda.
PING is a funny funny word. I wish common everyday sounds could be replaced with this sound. Like car horns.
J-Vo, from what I hear, you couldn't hold a candle to Brett Bretterson in gym class. He's the best.
Mattias, YAB does encourage the serious discussion, but in no way expects Condon to be serious. He signed a contract forbidding him to do so. Yes, not only does his writing have teeth, it also has clause.
Tiger Woods is also better than the Hungry Tiger of Oz, who is a big wuss and longs to eat babies.
Random, I know. And I'm afraid no one will understand that except me (not even my dear Allison), but I wanted to participate.
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