Beyond the Highbeams

That so didn’t happen as I had planned.

Yesterday’s blog kicked off with the line, “As I found myself driving around my hometown of Medford, New Jersey a few days ago, I realized that the best way to recollect the past isn’t necessarily sitting around with old friends telling older stories.”

Then the blog, while funny, veered way off track from my planned topic. When you write on a daily basis, the content formulation becomes rather, well, formulaic. Come up with a topic. See if it has the legs to go around 750 words. Bring the funny. It’s really not hard at all. Now most of my posts start with a bit of an intro – to frame the story or comedic observation I’m gunning for. Yesterday was no exception. I thought that I could come in and tell how history can go skew itself over time, (which it clearly did in the school bus story), and then move on to my real point – the best way to recollect the past is driving along the roads on which you grew up. Then I was to follow with a light-hearted police story, and link to Harford’s hilarious run-in with a Garden Statey. We’ll just call this Take 2. And…..action!

While Rob seems to have cornered the market on funny stories with the state law enforcement branch, I have to say that Medford’s finest had provided on more than one occasion a reason to laugh for my Volvo and me. (Two things: I know that vehicles lack the muscles to laugh. When it seems like their guffawing in glee, beware. They’re probably scraping you gas tank for fuel, and plan to stall on the shoulder shortly. Not a laughing matter. Second, laughing in front of a police office is not highly endorsed by YAB. If you find something comical in the presence of said profession, HOLD IT IN. Think of something unfunny to pass the time. Or, if you must, actually LISTEN to what the cop is telling you. That may be best in the long run.) (Longest parenthetical tangent ever.)

Dixontown Road, the main pipeline employed to get from home to points east (the high school, Tabernacle) is really nothing more than a two-lane death trap. This is for multiple reasons. First, I’m sure it’s the only point in the entire state of New Jersey that is devoid of cell phone coverage. Second, my shoulders are wider than Dixontown Road’s. Third, it’s only a two lane road where people are allowed to go at least 45 mph, as per local highway signage. Finally, there’s a tenth of a mile that goes through Medford’s kid brother, Medford Lakes. Which can mean only one thing.

Medford Lakes Police.

The MLP drove navy blue police cruisers, which frankly, I think should be outlawed. It’s way to easy to hide in the shadows, preying on unsuspecting teenagers who have done absolutely nothing wrong. Now I can see why the MLP patrols its 100 meters of pavement on Dixontown Road with such vigor. The turn onto it comes off of Tabernacle Rd, and little deceleration is required. I’m sure many a kid motorist has fallen into this trap. But on one fateful day in late 1997, I was not ready to join their ranks. I was going the speed limit, when the MLP sprang from the shadows, sirens and lights ablaze.

Now before I relay the transcript from my dialogue with Officer Jerkpants, understand this. I was a kid, and I was in a car. The MLP addresses all people fitting said profile as if they have a keg in their backseat, a kilo of crack in the glove box, and cock fighting going on in the trunk. Ok, proceeding with transcript.

Officer: Hello, son, did you know you have your high beams on?
Chris: Yes, officer, I did know that.
Officer: Can you tell me why you had your high beams on?
Chris: Because it’s dark out. (I didn’t mean for that to be remotely as sarcastic as it came out. I was too terrified of a ticket to be a smart-aleck.)
Officer: I see. Well what if another car was coming from the other direction? (Meanwhile, his flashlight was wildly investigating the contents of my Volvo. To his dismay, I had no loose rounds of ammunition rattling across the dashboard.)
Chris: I would have turned them off. (Again, inadvertently sounding like a wiseguy)
Officer: But what if someone came out from that side street up there (pointing)?
Chris: I didn’t see any headlights coming from out of there, but I would have turned off my high beams then, too.
Officer: (Finishing his search for other injustices, after concluding I wasn’t running an illegal sports betting ring in the back seat) Alright, then, well have a good evening then. Be careful.

In retrospect…Careful of what???