Driving Home a Point

After all this time in the DC area, it’s surprising I haven’t focused on traffic earlier. I’m not going to champion this city’s cause of being the most congested roadmap in the country, because I’ve got to believe there are towns out there that have it worse. Los Angeles, New York – they’ve got to have at least the same number of vehicles, but with half the civic engineering foresight. No matter how you look at it, DC at least has a decent highway installation that makes logical sense. Now only if we can get the federal government to relocate operations to Leesburg…

With that said, today I will try and apply common sense and logic to this city’s traffic problem. Sadly, I have no solution to actually fixing it – unless you let me pass a law that bans all tractor trailers, Virginia State Trooper cruisers, and Honda Civics from the roads (these three classes account for 87% of all vehicles on I-66.) I could also suggest that we stop funding senseless appropriations in VA for a few years (like the mythical I-495 Mixing Bowl) and divert all funding to finishing the Metro to Dulles. And on this Metro, they will serve light refreshments. I’m thinking cookies and Fresca. No doubt, people will get off the roads then.

But until I get the Zack Morris-patented ability to call Time-Out and freeze time to make the necessary budget adjustments, it appears we are all stuck. But do not feel defeated, good commuters. YAB is providing a special service to you today, as we look to debunk some of the mysteries of the interstate. Today we tackle the Theory, no wait, the LAW of Vehicular Car-ma. Enjoy.

It’s fairly simple, really. In the vein of Isaac Asimov, the Law of Vehicular Car-ma can be easily and comprehensively stated in the form of three rules:

1. There is no such thing as luck when driving.
2. Positive and negative occurrences when driving yield a zero-sum equation.
3. Honking your horn will not affect your Car-ma.

Ok, now I shall explain it in something other than Dorkspeak. When someone reads you a chapter from their novel of woe about having a treacherous time on their drive home, or to the game, or whatever, you can let them know that due to Vehicular Car-ma, there will be an equal and opposite driving experience where that person will have everything go right. Conversely, if someone brags to you about their ability to cruise to your place despite it being 5 o’clock on the Friday before Memorial Day, you can bet the ranch that sometime in the near future they will be slowed to such a crawl that Granny McOldsmobile pass them.

I will use my driving experience yesterday to further explain the Law. Driving from Manassas to Alexandria to the abode of Mr. Andersen, I took Rte. 1 South, just by the stores at Potomac Yard (for Jerseyites, think the stores in Moorestown). On this short one mile stretch of road in front of this mecca of commerce, there must 8 traffic lights. I got stuck at 7. But did I get angry? No. Did I honk my horn (See Rule 3 above.)? No. I knew that sometime soon I would come into good navigational fortune.

Sure enough, I decided to stare my traffic lights nemesis square in the face as I left to go home last night – and my chosen route would be right down the heart of Old Town Alexandria. 13 traffic lights from end-to-end. After waiting at the very first one, I cruised through every last one. 13-0 streak. I made it home in record time. And all was right again on the scorecard for the Driver Condon.

Vehicular Car-ma extends past traffic lights as well. Take the gridlock of rush hour. For every lane you choose that hits a pocket of progress, you will get stuck in a lane that you cannot get out of. It’s just a balancing act.

You can gain more than some by your knowledge of the road, however. If you know that the right-most lane will be the victim of a slow merge at some point, it would be wise to stay left. But this advance is a product of skill, not luck.

Everybody is susceptible to the Law, no matter how good a driver you are. You can only hope that the good Car-ma hits at the times when you most need it, and the bad Car-ma counters at a time where you’re in no hurry whatsoever. Got it? Good.

Time to go get me some cookies and Fresca.