Behold the Power of Pastrami

For every profession, there’s a hero you can look up to in the movies. Spend your days as a droning archeologist? Idolize Indiana Jones. Your work entails teaching the young minds of America? Look no further than Dead Poets’ Mr. Keating. Earning a paycheck for mopping the halls of some building? Will Hunting shows you the light at the end of the tunnel. Insurance Claims? Composer of Music? Pizzeria Owner? Mr. Incredible, Mr. Holland, Mr. Deeds.

Now all of these characters are easy targets for sources of inspiration, as they were all the main focus of the films in which they appeared. In fact, the list could go on, but I’ve got a word count to keep down here. And you have to get back to work.

For the accounting and finance professions, we do not have that one title character that embodies what we all someday aspire to be. Face it – amortizing lease schedules doesn’t tear up the box office the way, say, busting ghosts or warring with worlds do. That leaves us to idolize lesser fringe characters. That’s ok, because we have our man.

In Grodin we trust.

As a movie fan, it is a noble and rightful opinion to despise Charles Grodin. He’s an annoying actor who appeared in such travesties as Clifford and Beethoven’s 14th: Back to the Minors. I think he even had a late-night talk show once, but then again, who hasn’t? But his one lasting mark on the entertainment industry that the guild of number crunchers (GONC, for short) is that once character we all look up to, our very own Indiana Jones.

Enter Murray Blum.

In the 1993 movie Dave, Kevin Kline decided to make the Presidency more than just shaking hands and suffering heart attacks. In a noble attempt to save some homeless shelters slated for the financial chopping block (not to mention get on the good side of Sigourney Weaver), he rolls up his sleeves and decides it is time to balance the budget. But Dave cannot accomplish this feat alone – he is a temporary labor recruiter in his other life. Instead, he calls for two copies of the budget, some pastrami, and his accountant Murray Blum.

Eight hours later: Budget has been balanced. Hooray!

Now I seriously doubt that Mr. Blum had any previous experience regarding Senate and House appropriations and he probably does not have a single client who claims “NASA” as an line item expense, but he pulled through, for America. It just goes to show that firm grounding in general accounting principles can take you to great heights, which is why I am offering my services to the good people of Fairfax County, Virginia.

In today’s Washington Post, a story ran to say that the newer cost projections are putting the Metro line through Tyson’s Corner and out to the Dulles Airport over the mark by, cough, $100 million. Because Tyson’s is on a hill, and traction for trains going up hills is not always the best, expensive options are being evaluated for alternatives.

Enter Chris Condon.

By the power of Charles Grodin, I will march into your budget meeting, order up some pastrami, and amend your gawk-worthy overrun. I propose the following amendments.

1. Increase the toll on the Dulles Toll Road to 2.00, 12.00 if you drive an ugly car (Aztek? Honda Element? What?)
2. If the Metro is to come through Tyson’s Corner, advertise. There are hundreds of shops in the mall that would love to plaster their logo on the side of the train. Just imagine the talk as the train blurs by – “Did I just see that Eddie Bauer is having a sale? I couldn’t quite tell, so I better go to the store and find out for sure.”
3. Cheaper building material? Sure, one word.

Plastics.