Out Like a Light

I can't help but notice when CNN.com decides to devote webspace to letting the American public know about scientific studies that ultimately have no effect on how we operate as a society. What's that, random published scientists? It has been discovered that eating fast food is an unhealthy practice? A recent research gran reveals that getting kicked in the shins causes the shin-owner pain? Man, we have got to fund more extremely helpful studies, of this caliber. Man, I need to know more! Do heavy things sink when you put them in water? Is coffee causing Americans to have more caffeinated energy? Are the Pittsburgh Pirates going to get thwomped for yet another MLB season? I need to know. And I need independent money to fund the answers. It's how I get to learn stuff!

Anyways, today's obvious topic du jour is a topic that hits close to home. In fact, it's so close to home that the entire project could have been scrapped and they could have saved a lot of money if they had just chosen to follow around Condon. According to this groundbreaking study, Americans don't sleep nearly enough or very well altogether. 3 out of 4 aren't getting enough rest at night, mainly because of the "always-on-the-go" mentality. This is an epidemic, people. So muc of one that we have enough grant money to fund a National Sleep Foundation.

How am I not the President of the National Sleep Foundation?

Like I said, the Foundation should have gone no farther in its research then follow me around for the last few weeks. If there was anyone who has a real problem with America's favorite leisurely pasttime (sorry, baseball), it's your Resident Blogger Kid. You want messed up nocturnal habits? Check me out.

You see, I've got this problem. I get comfortable very easily. So easily that if I stay stationary for eh, more than 90 seconds, I'm as good as gone into dreamworld. This poses a major problem in many compromising situations. The metro train into D.C. might as well come with a glass of water and a bedtime story. I'm extremely lucky I've never missed my stop. Other forms of transportation also do not warrant exemption. In the past three weeks, I've been on six different airplanes. And on that half-dozen jets, I never once saw the plan take off. Instead, only the insides of my eyelids.

But this can be expected, right? I mean both the metro and airplanes come with seats, which (theoretically) have been designed to provide their user comfort. Well, so are couches, so one would think that I experience the same Zero-to-Sleepy reaction on those seats as well. Well, not only can I perform an instant system shutdown on comfy couches, even the most horrid extended seating choices are no match for me and my sleepy demeanor. Two examples:

• My current couch - For those who have been lucky enough to visit Random Run, I present my current couch as Exhibit A, The three cushions slant from left to right in a slightly downward fashion. This isn't a big deal. The sharp metal protrusions from the left side is. You see boys and girls, a long, long time ago, sofa pull-outs were used to accomodate house guests. Now Aerobeds do the job, much more quickly and comfortably. But that doesn't mean the pullout has magically disappeared. No, no, it reminds you of its presence by digging its metal bars into your spins if you get too cozy. Now does all this faze me and my narcoleptic ways? Nope, not a chance. I'm out faster than The Jacket from theaters.
• G-Square's Finest - Ok, I want you to grab a scrap of paper and a writing utensil. We're going to have you draw the couch that came with renting our sophomore year apartment. Ok, draw a horizontal line, let's say four inches long. Good. Now at each end of the line, draw a vertical line upwards at exactly 90 degrees. Yep, you guessed it, that's our couch. I unforgiving, extremely rigid wooden U. Now, look at your picture again. Not only is that our couch schematic, it's the shape my body took when sleeping on it. Stomach down, head on top of the wooden armrest, feet in the air. Now I ask you, who needs pillows and quilts when you've got flexibility?

And as one final example of how Condon is the King of the Nap Brigade, let's harken back to the holiday season. It's not uncommon practice for me to fall asleep on the floor here, in front of the the television. Hours later, I may wake up, and even find myself walking towards my bedroom. However, one trip was abruptly stopped when I dropped my pillow in the hallway. Leaning down to pick it up, I remembered how comfortable said pillow was and decided to catch a quick nap on my way to bed. And since my roommate is considerate and helpful, he got me a blanket. Well, not a blanket exactly. Wrapping paper.

I'm sure I've got more tales from slumberland, but I have been sitting in this chair for quite sometime without a break. In fact, just thinking about this topic makes me want to just lean back in this chair, briefly close my eyes, and -

WHAM.

Floor.

ZzZzZz.