Encino Turkey

Here in Washington D.C., an annual Thanksgiving tradition at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue is to ship a turkey in from some state rife with gobblers (this year, Minnesota) so that the President of the United States may invoke Article II, Sec. 2 of our Constitution. With one mighty chop of diplomacy, the Executive-in-Chief spares the life of the lucky turkey (who no doubt has jet lag) by granting it an official pardon. Harry Truman began this Caligula-esque practice back in the 50’s, and we’ve been letting birds spread their wings in the name of freedom ever since. Too bad they cannot fly.

But turkeys granting freedom to people? That’s a new one.
42 year-old Chicago resident Mark Copsy was on his way home from the supermarket with the centerpiece of his Thanksgiving dinner, as well as his son (Mark, don’t mix them up.) when he spotted a vehicle slam into a neighborhood curb and burst into flames. Quick to react, he ran to the car to find an elderly couple stuck inside. With the doors jammed and the smoke thickening, he tried to use his kung fu abilities to kick open the car’s windows. When that failed, he realized there was only one other thing to do. And this is a direct quote:

“Hell, I’ll just use the damn turkey.”

Talk about a hero. After fulfilling his life’s purpose, he was sent to the Butterball plant, slain, iced, and ready for some basting (the turkey, not Mark Copsy). This bird was thrown into an inferno of a situation, risked premature cooking, to save the lives and the Thanksgiving of two people. He didn’t ask questions – he just kicked some glass.

While I don’t know how the insurance company will handle this one, I do know that this is a heartwarming holiday story of practicality. After all, if a turkey can be used as a sledgehammer, what other dishes on your feastly table can serve other purposes in the calamitous face of danger?

CORN ON THE COB – Picture this: you’ve witnessed an accident and you’re out of daytime minutes on your cell phone. But yet, you still have to get a message to your local Emergency Response. Write down your predicament on a piece of paper and rubber band it around an ear of corn. Throw it as far as you can. Even if it doesn’t reach its destination, somebody will pick it up and continue its journey. Why? The aerodynamic properties of corn make throwing said vegetable so much fun that people will do it without question.

STUFFING – Yeah, it tastes great and there never seems to be enough of it to go around. But have you ever considered a fuller utilization of its spongelike quality? Next time a cat or baby gets stuck in a tree, spread a layer of stuffing on the ground below. The treedweller can fall through the air with glee and land with the softness of Charmin. It will also save you that broken arm you’d get if you climbed up after them. (And for the record, I have no idea why there’s a baby in the tree. Maybe poor parenting.)

CRANBERRY SAUCE – Explosive material, such as dynamite, should be detonated within a barrel of yams in order to minimize the damage and maximize “flying goo.”

YAMS – Serve no purpose. On the dinner table or off of it.

You’re still thinking about corn throwing, aren’t you?