The Need...for Greed!

I guess this makes him dangerous.

The talking heads on the 24-hour cable news outlets have spent the early part of this week covering the crashing and subsequent burning of Congressman Randy “Duke” Cunningham’s public career. An eight-term representative from the Golden State, the Duke was recently nailed in a tell-all investigation of how he used his job title to his advantage, accepting gifts and payments ranging from down payments for an Arlington Residence to a $130k yacht which he named “Duke-Stir.” Aw hell, I’d throw him in jail just for that.

(My once and future boat will be named “Peace Be the Journey.” Hope you know why.)

YABNews, who up to this point had been rendered useless thanks to a tryptophan weekend bender, was poked with a hockey stick so that they could add their two cents on the matter. Surely, someone other than the U.S. District Court should have seen this coming. A trip down memory lane via his official House biography should reveal some clues…

“Duke's experience in Vietnam and his background as an educator prepared him well to train fighter pilots at the Navy Fighter Weapons School -- the famed "Top Gun" program at Miramar Naval Air Station.”

Now we’re talking.

When a Congressman is elected to office, one of his first duties (after taking that oath thing) is to hire his staff. Capitol Hill staffers are responsible for maintaining the legislative operation, especially at times when the Senator is doing donuts in his yacht in Georgetown Harbor. Now an office is only going to act as ethically as its composition, so the rampant appearance of cronyism should have been a hint to the American Public how crooked the Duke is. After all, he DID staff his office entirely with Top Gun pilots. Our crack team found a recent employee roster.

Chief of Staff – ICEMAN – The Duke knows that being a elected official is a busy, busy post, and he’s going to need the best pilot out there to lead the office into battle, I mean policymaking. He must be cool, calm, and collected, and be able to intimidate other Chiefs of Staff when he needs something done. If his name is the one on that plaque in Miramar, he’s Duke’s wingman.

Press Secretary – SLIDER – With so many questions from the media, a Senator can be swamped without a good press secretary. The reporters are silenced every time Slider calls for a briefing, steps up to the nest of microphones, and just flexes for 20 minutes. No more questions after that.

Legislative Director – MAVERICK – When it comes to legislation, the Senator relies on his LD to help research and track policy. Selecting Maverick was an easy choice, considering he served with his father in Vietnam. Oh, and it cracks the Duke up when Maverick seeks “permission to buzz the mailroom.”

Legislative Assistant – MERLIN – Yeah, there’s even room for Tim Robbins in government. LAs have less influence on drawing up policy, and since the Duke trusts Maverick, he’s okay with Merlin having mainly administrative duties. The Duke recalls fondly of the April Fools’ Day when he instructed Merlin to write a brief on Congress’ move to invade Canada. “You’re gonna do WHAT?????”

Interns – WOLFMAN AND HOLLYWOOD – Keep our two favorite screw-ups on temporary labor staffing in order to make sure they do their job. It’s mostly data entry, but they also are in charge of greeting dignitaries who have come to see the Senator…

HOLLYWOOD: Mr. Senator, the Emir of Brunei was here to see you, but we, uh, have misplaced him.
DUKE: What do you mean misplaced?
WOLFMAN: We went for coffee, he slipped off somewhere. I said to Hollywood, "Where'd he go?" Hollywood says, "Where'd WHO GO?