Armed and Dangerous

It all starts with the issuing of the weapon.

I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I had never really considered any branch of the armed forces as a viable career path, but here I was, waiting silently in the shadows, with a patient finger resting firmly on the tirgger. And what's more, this was not even basic training - I have been thrust into the fray, biding my time as close to the front lines as I have even been. As I wait for the go ahead from the commanding officer, I think back as to how exactly I got here, not to mention where "here" actually is. This isn't the Army or the Marine Corps, because I am here on the verge of battle, and I am not wearing anything remotely resembling camoflague. Heck, I'm still wearing my Eagles hat, for Pete's sake. And this isn't the Navy, since the only sign of the sea anywhere near my position are those twin water fountains over in housewares. And I know I arrived my location via Honda Accord, not fighter jet, so it's pretty unlikely this is an Air Force op, either. So despite all of this attempted flashbacking, it is still pretty hard to determine why I am crouched down here behind this rack of crystal glasses with a gun, without a military branch to claim my own, and my only ally, Katie, is over at that counter speaking tactics and strategy with the woman behind the desk. What kind of gun is this anyway???

A bridal registry gun.

Man, I guess had I looked at the weapon a little sooner, I could have saved everybody at least a paragraph worth of time. That's right, it appears my most recent appearance in battle was with the highly-trained, elite fighting force, the Bridal Registrates. Granted, I am a rookie to this squadron, but I am ready to do my best, slaying product after product in our wake, and planting the Condon flag in their stead. With Katie at my side, brilliantly devising the game plan and leading through enemy lines filled with row after row of china pattern and kitchen appliance, we were destined for greatness. And as I wait patiently, crouched down and peeking over this table of crystal stemware, I know that I did not get to my position by casually walking up to it. No, sir, this was just like any other military branch, meaning that what I was about to do required waves and waves of training.

EQUIPMENT DISTRIBUTION

Let's start with my only lifeline out here in the dish and decor jungle: the registry gun. This thing can do it all. It's got a good weight to it, which allows me to toss it from hand to hand (in the event of a shootout) without letting it get away from me. The trigger is not-overly sensitive, which allows me to take down enemy products without officially registering for them. So when my XO sees me over in appliances with my sight set out the biggest George Foreman Grill ever created, I can fire at it without officially claiming under the Condon banner. The gun also has a "high-tech" computer keypad and display on top of the weapon, which allows me to record quantity of those left in my wake. Sure it gives anyone chance to inflate their statistics (I didn't just blast one dish towel, I nailed a set of four!) And finally, let's talk ammunition. The gun boasts a very clever laser ray, that is only trained to take down enemy products. I know this because while we were advancing through the store..err..jungle, I must have scanned the back of Katie's coat about 50 times. Now this is smart technology.

RECONAISSANCE

Now while Katie was a good sport and listened to the long, winding presentation of the woman behind the counter, I created my own op, some good old-fashioned recon. As I slid in between racks and display tables, I got a pretty good idea what we were up against. There's the enemy faction from China, for which attack will have to be delicate and dare I say graceful (No Bulls Allowed.) Then there's the appliance regiment. Stacked high and thus imposing, their area is crowded with box after box of reinforcement. This will be an area in which we cannot get bogged down by the flashy colors and just fire. But most dangerous of all? It appears that the enemy has a line of crystal animals kept on a high shelf out of reach of the shortest of soldier shoppers. I have no interest in taking these down, but man, when you shoot that laser scanner ray through them - the red glow just shoots in a thousand different directions! I could stand here all day just learning about refraction, letting my guard down, making my self susceptible to a sneak -

ATTACK

With Katie on my flank, I whirled around from the crystal dolphins and bears, to launch a surprise intiative on our merchandising foe. I was electric with the gun. Spinning it on my finger, deftly switching hands, a diving shot fired as I landed in the bedding department (so comfortable!), all of it was all so masterful. Had I gotten the chance to dive across the tile floor and take a crack at taking down those linens, I would have. Katie, serving as commanding officer, had devised a battle plan that should go down in history as one of the great military conquests of all time. Granted, we didn't finish the war in just one day, but we sure as hell won the battle.

Engaged 1, Registry 0.