O. No!

And I thought I had an unusual year.

Oprah Winfrey, talk show host, magazine publisher, and anagram for “phony fire war,” had quite the atypical 2005. Granted, when you’re worth over one billion dollars, you often put yourself in position for the truly bizarre to find you. At my salary, I’m not in nearly as many weird predicaments over the course of the year, and if I am, they usually get documented here on YAB. And when the weirdest of them all has to do with the mundane – fire alarms and bloof donations – that’s not saying a whole lot.

Of course, the only way to make more money in my current state would be to rob a bank. But then I would probably blog about something funny that happened (“when I opened the cash register, it played “The Girl from Ipanema” and I laughed so hard I dropped my gun.”) And then the police would read the blog, and I’d go to jail.

*shudder* Ok, back to Oprah.

What did we learn about Ms. Winfrey in 2005? Here’s a recap of her year, complete with collective morals of the story, Aesop style.

May 23 – Oprah was just trying to have a quiet sitdown interview with Hollywood megastar Tom Cruise, when Maverick decided to freak out regarding his love for Katie Holmes. I swear, I had a flashback of when he flips out after Lt. Markinson kills himself in A Few Good Men. Now for Oprah, if she wants to preserve quality furniture, she knows from now on. No guests on the Oprah Winfrey Show will be allowed to wear shoes. Leave them at the door.

June 22 – In Paris, Oprah was not allowed entry to a Hermes store when she was trying to purchase a gift for her good friend Tina Turner. Winfrey’s entourage cited racism as the primary reason she was not allowed to shop. The store cited other means – like the fact that the store was closed to the public at the time. First off, Oprah dear, Tina Turner doesn’t need another purse – I already got her one from Old Navy, and she LOVES it. Second, a friend of yours was quoted as this being your “Crash moment.” Don’t drag the name of a great movie into this just because you didn’t come during normal business hours. I don’t freak out when I get to McDonalds at 11:02 am and miss breakfast, do I?

December 22 – Oprah realizes she has a clone in New Mexico. A crazy person named Colleen Nestler has filed a restraining order against CBS talk show host David Letterman, citing grounds that “Letterman has been using code words, gestures and "eye expressions" for more than 10 years to convey his desire to marry her and train her as his cohost.” Letterman, in his efforts to get Winfrey to come on his show, used the phrase “Marry me, Oprah!” in 1993. Crazy lady from that point forward thought that “Oprah” was his code name for her, and the obsession continued. Apparently Oprah’s talk show does not broadcast to those living in a box.

December 27 - Oprah Winfrey’s private jet was forced to return to the city airport after its windshield was cracked in a collision with a bird, officials said. This is why I don’t own a private jet. You never know what you’re going to have to put up with. With my past vehicles (all cars), I’ve had terrible luck with rocks hitting my windshield and cracking them. I cannot fathom hitting a bird. But, then again, I’m not Oprah Winfrey.

Oprah Winfrey doesn’t care about bird people.