Whee! The Coaching Carousel!

Attention, all soon-to-be college graduates! There is no better day than today to be searching for that first big job in the real world! Employers have vacancies left and right, and are looking to hire immediately! Gratuitous use of exclamation points!

This is not at all like when I graduated back in 2002. For every eleventy billion newly-degreed candidates, there were about 4 job openings in the DC area. One was for Advisory Board, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays of the DC job circuit. Another was for a “document management specialist” for some upstart called MCI WorldCom (qualifications included having your own shredder.) And the other two positions were to be sign holders on busy intersections in Tyson’s Corner for furniture stores wishing to inform the general public about mega-liquidation sales. Like I said, the future wasn’t so bright. (I left my shades at home.)

But in 2006, there are jobs aplenty. And over the last few weeks, the number of vacancies has jumped by 9. Once the National Football League’s 2005 season finished, the axeman cometh and swung 28% of the league’s head coaches out of office (the axeman also told Dick Vermeil he was old and to retire). The Minnesota Vikings, Kansas City Chiefs, and Green Bay Packers wasted no time in finding replacement employees. And I would suggest doing the same, college seniors, before the great NFL minds take YAB up on some of our suggestions.

Houston Texans – Of all the states that are United, the Lonestar State is the biggest hotbed of football talent. You would think they could hire a head coach from within, since everybody grows up breathing football. YAB recommends LANCE HARBOR, of Varsity Blues fame. If you remember correctly, Lance busted his knee because Billy Bob phoned in a play, and subsequently, never played another snap. He led the Coyotes to a win once Coach Kilmer got outdueled by Dawson’s Creek, and isn’t afraid to call a trick play (oop-tee-oop included). Let’s just hope he doesn’t deliver his “You’re a real friend, Mox” speech to Reggie Bush. That might freak Mr. Heisman out.

New York Jets – Face it, NYC is a tough town. With the exception of Philly, the fans may put the most pressure on their teams to win. So when Herm Edwards bolted, the job became open, and there were few takers. I guess it’s time to call in an outside investor. YAB recommends the CAST OF THE APPRENTICE to coach the Jets. Donald Trump, in his infinite wealth, could bankroll the coaching staff, and pit the offensive coaches versus the defensive coaches. Each week, their task would be to prepare the team for their game. Whichever side of the ball chokes will have one coach fired during the Monday press conference.

New Orleans Saints – Look, I know they’ve been through a lot. The hurricane demolished their home dome. The owner is an outright jerk, threatening relocation. Aaron Brooks handed out interceptions like they were party favors. The ’05 Saints were simply a maelstrom of woe. With divine intervention in mind, YAB recommends ST. SEBASTIAN, the patron saint of athletes. He may not have a ton of coaching experience, but I guarantee he won’t stand for some of the sinful shenanigans the Vikings pulled this year.

St. Louis Rams – Have you seen those new commercials for Budweiser Select? You know Select has only marginally improved taste over Budweiser. You know Select costs more per bottle. You know that the “Clean Taste” thing makes you think it should taste like Windex. And yet, despite all of that, YAB recommends AUGUST BUSCH IV to coach his hometown Rams. If he’s the CEO of Anheuser-Busch and has time to make commercials, he clearly has time to pick up a clipboard and coach.

Detroit Lions – Of the many recent movies I’ve seen, the best adventure involved the king of the jungle, an albino chick, and a glorified coat rack. The Chronic-WHAT-cles of Narnia was a grand cinematic achievement, and a new franchise has been born. But while they film the next one, YAB recommends ASLAN the lion to coach his Motown counterparts. What’s the worse that could happen? He eats Joey Harrington? Sounds ok to me…

Oakland Raiders – Randy Moss headaches? A crazy owner in Al Davis? Kerry Collins fumbling everything, from the football to his AARP paperwork? There’s no good fit to coach in the Black Hole of Oakland. I guess that leaves this one up for you, COLLEGE SENIORS. I’d suggest buying a silver and black tie, and learning how to pronounce Tuiasosopo. (He’s your QB of the future, you know.)