Welcome to the North Poll

There’s a handy manuscript that’s kept under Fort Knox-like surveillance just east of here, downtown in the National Archives. And while the Constitution of the United States may serve as a killer stop on any tour of our Nation’s Capital, it also serves another purpose through its words. By granting liberty to all within its borders, it allows America to truly be the Land of the Free. The People must decide what shall be made into law in this country, and in order to do so, the Constitution has provided them with a just mechanism: voting. Whoa, that sounds like a big responsibility.

Yes, once one turns the age of 18, the future of our nation is in their hands. They are charged with making informed, proper choices that will shape policy, select leaders, and refer, uh, referendums. You would think that an 18 year-old would undergo extensive training for such an endeavor. Well, because the other end of the age curve demands fancy benefits like “social security” and “healthcare,” we in the U.S. don’t have the money for voter education programs. However, for over a century, the commercial sector of our great States has stepped up and subliminally trained children (yes, from 1 to 92) on the election process. We learn to vote in this country through an unexpected annual tradition…

The Department Store Santa Claus.

Most people think that Mall Santa is there for the children of America to get some face time with the Man in Red, letting him know what exactly they want for Christmas. No, no, friends, his Gift-Request procedure is actually training for how to vote. Surprised? Consider this: 18 is a magic number when it comes to rites of adulthood. Through high school, most will consider you a kid, and the Santa seat is ok. But once you head off to college, visiting Santa seems dated, and if you do, Santa cries when he has to have dining plan dependents sit on his knee.

Don’t make Santa cry.

Instead, take what you’ve learned over the past 18 years and put it use as an American citizen. Now polling locations are set up in similar fashion to Department Store Santas. You figure for each district, you’ve got a polling place. Similarly, most regions of the country have their commerce center around a mall. According to Wikipedia, there were over 46 thousand malls in the US as of 2004. I have to think that rivals the voting precinct count. Now everybody knows that the Santa in your own mall is not THE Santa. He’s merely an official representative of the real one. Well, guess what? The election official at your precinct isn’t Scott Thomas, either. Just someone taking your information on his behalf.

It’s a rarity that when Mom and Dad took you to the mall to see Santa, the aisle was a clear runway between you at the Big Man. No, it was more likely that the line snaked around the food court, which happened to be decorated like Santa’s Workshop. (Which by the way, I never believed to be THE workshop. How could you get anything accomplished in the MIDDLE OF A MALL?) Waiting to vote also entails waiting in a long line, and it has been decorated with campaign banners, patriotic signs, and if Perot is running, a pie chart or too. No one believes that any of those decorations make policy happen, either.

Once you finally make it to the throne of Santa, Santa is not expected to provide any information whatsoever. He’s inquisitive, as it is YOU who needs to state a preference. Otherwise, how is he supposed to know you want a remote controlled car? (Remember, he’s not the real Santa. You’re lucky if he’s checked that list once, let alone twice.) Voting is no different. The booth doesn’t tell you who to vote for – that’s info you need to tell it. And here’s the kicker – when you ask Santa for that car – he doesn’t tell you “I can definitely make that happen.” He says he’ll see what he can do. When you pull that lever, that’s not a guarantee that your candidate gets into office. You’re in a holding pattern. Just like waiting until Christmas.

Voting fraud – the action of voting multiple times to further increase your wish coming true – is strictly prohibited. That’s why they make you sign it and out. Documentation is vital to ethical voting. Of course, Santa’s no dummy, either. He’s got a way to keep record of what kids have already placed their votes for toys. Now on the count of three, say Cheese! (And you thought it was for keepsake’s sake.)

Finally, once Santa’s done with you, he gives you a prize for a job well done. You can show all your friends your brand new candy cane, assuming you don’t eat it. Similarly, once you’ve signed out of the voting precinct, you get an “I Voted” sticker to keep and show all your co-workers.

Assuming you don’t eat it.