We're Not Swans Here

Over at Monrovia Top Five (that’s MT5, for hipsters with street cred), the following question was recently posed by yours truly:

Of the 12 Days of Christmas, which 5 would you be most excited to receive when you come downstairs on December 25th?

I know, it’s strange to be forced to weight the merits of opening a box full of French hens or turtle doves (why are there so many birds in that song?), but it did reveal two major findings. 1) My friends love the bling: when in doubt, ditch the milking maids and by them some golden rings. I had no idea we were so iced out. 2) 11 of the 12 days of Christmas received at least 1 vote. Just one of the potential Christmas gifts were shutout and left on the shelves of the department store. I hate to say it, but it is true.

No one wants 7 swans-a-swimming.

When I first saw the results, I was mildly surprised. Of all the fowl in that song, swans are by far the most elegant and prized. Since money apparently is no object to Monrovia (see the above jewelry affection), you would think they’d be fond of some top shelf bird. Turtle doves, while peaceful, are unbelievably slow. French hens should be renamed Freedom hens. A quartet of calling birds can cause a deafening racket. And if a partridge needs to be packaged with a damn tree to generate any buyer interest, it can’t be that good an option, either. And yet, it is the swan that is left without a home for the holidays.

And then I thought, maybe it’s just that 7 is too many. I suppose I wouldn’t mind 2 swans to just waddle around my apartment and look sophisticated. I could put another 2 in the parking lot downstairs to stubbornly stand in the choice parking spots while I am at work, and an additional pair could do that “Let’s play cute by making our necks form a heart” over the hearth of the fireplace. But 7?? Yeah, Totally couldn't find use for 7 swans.

And then there’s their talent. Swimming. When a swan swims, I’ll have to admit, it’s a little freaky. All the work is done below sea level, as their tiny legs work like crazy to propel the rest of the big fat bird across the water. Like the hull of a cruiseliner, very little can be witnessed without an underwater camera. But above water, it’s a completely different story. Since all the work is below, the swans barely moves a muscle above the water. They eerily and effortlessly just slide across the pond like ghosts floating. It doesn’t help the illusion that they’re white either. Imagine if your co-worker glided towards you without moving their legs. Yeah, I’d be freaked out too.

So I guess I’m starting to see why everyone would pass on the swan in their holiday Pollyanna circle. But to drive the point home, YAB has done some Swan Research to highlight other good reasons to say “Thanks, but No Thanks” when your crazy uncle gives you a septet of swans.

- You thought a goldfish was tough to keep alive? Don’t give a swan to your kid. From Wikipedia: “this can be due to 'capsizing': overturned swans lack the ability to right themselves and therefore drown.”

– Helen of Troy was half swan, because her god-father Zeus was in swan form when he met Helen’s mother. And look what Helen did for us – she caused a 10 year-long siege war in which Troy fell. I guarantee with 7 swans you'll bne cashing in on that renter's insurance policy in less than a week.