Muscle and Flow

As it turns out, God wasn’t big on “extraneous parts” when creating Adam. And as I have found out the hard way, there’s nothing on me that is just for show – it’s all functional, baby.

The human muscular system is composed of nearly 700 different and unique skeletal muscles. And in my 26-year career of using said muscles, I have found just about all of them have a solid functional purpose. The heart pumps blood and serves as field general for the entire circulatory system. The tongue (yes, it’s a muscle) assists in ingestion, not to mention expressing displeasure with the latest Ashlee Simpson single. The hamstring, while weirdly named, allows hurdlers to fly through the air with drive, determination, speed, and an ever-so-slight amount of glee. The calf gives anyone an extra two inches of height required to get those cookies of the top shelf. And the bicep helps in the lifting of boxes, as well as giving directions (how else would anyone know which way it is to the beach??)

See? All totally useful.

In that stellar exhibit of anatomical knowledge above, I showed the value of just five of the aforementioned 700 muscles. Now I could go all day, but I don’t for three reasons. 1 – I know little more in the field of anatomy. My last related course was “Biology for Non-Concentrators” where my gained knowledge was limited to Puppies = Good, and conversely, Cancer = Bad.” 2 – I may decide that due to my lack of muscular knowledge, I may feel the need to enrich such a void by dropping out of business school and apply for med school, rolling myself into an bottomless grave of debt, and frankly, I’m not dressed for a funeral today. 3 – I believe at some point I had a point I was supposed to be making. Hmm…

There are some muscles that at certain points in life you find their real use. You knew they existed, you just didn’t know their purpose. Well, guess what? Today is the day that TRICEPS get their day in the sun. Why, you may ask?

Because mine hurt like hell.

In this glorious break between semesters, I’ve found myself on more than one occasion (okay, three) back at the gym, trying to regain my athletic abilities. As I have documented in the past, such a visit is a two-part party – treadmill and weights. As I geared my routine back up, it appears that lifting a barbell repeatedly behind your head, in order to strengthen those beloved TRICEPS, may have some lingering effects a few days later.

Like the aching pain of a thousand hammers.

But it’s okay, right? We don’t actually use out triceps. They’re just there to make sure ol’ bicep doesn’t get lonely. This was my thought process before I woke up with a searing pain. Now that it’s 4 hours later, and I’m sitting at my desk typing to you all, I have discovered that every single one of the following activities require the use of the almighty TRICEP.

Pushing yourself out of bed. Reaching up to get the towel off the hook on the door. Getting the shampoo off the ledge. Brushing one’s teeth. Combing one’s hair. Buttoning the buttons on a dress shirt. Even worse, trying to button the collar button on said shirt. Putting on a coat. Reaching behind to close the door. Holding the elevator open for Lethargic McSlowpoke.

Yeah, the TRICEPS have spoken.