Dun-Dun-Dun-DUMB.....

“If I had a million dollars, I’d buy you some art – a Picasso or a Garfunkel”
-- Barenaked Ladies

I don’t even pretend to know what I’m talking about when it comes to the world of visual art. I’ve never taken an art history class, I’ve only been to Met once, and once I got to the top after running up the steps of the Philadelphia Art Museum a la Rocky Balboa, I didn’t go inside – I collapsed in an effort to catch my breath (there’s 72 of ‘em, dammit). Hell, the best movie I ever saw about art was when Sesame Street got locked inside the Met, launching that killer Cookie Monster ditty, “Don’t Eat the Pictures.” When it comes to all things A-R-T, I have no idea what I’m talking about.

But I CAN appreciate it.

For a fan of creative expression who has trained neither of his two eyes to behold what makes a visually artistic masterpiece, I can’t tell you what eras were the best and whose work in said eras were dominant and beautiful. When you put creativity on canvas, in clay, or hell, in weird geometric sculpture, it at least says one thing about the artist: the have an inherent ability to exude originality. Musically speaking, on the other hand, I am a better judge of art. Because of my history in musical performance, composition, and enjoyment, I CAN in fact rightfully opine on who I think has that natural gift, and who’s faking it.

This guy is faking it.

In case you didn’t click on the link (slacker), here’s the skinny on the featured deceased musician. Far from the footsteps of Beethoven, Brahms, or Wagner, American composer John Cage, despite dying 14 years ago, is having his followers carry out what he would deem his greatest symphony in an abandoned German cathedral: “organ2 / ASLSP.” This is no ordinary symphony. It has been written to begin on Sept 5, 2001 and finish in the year 2639.

That’s 639 years of symphony.

And it’s not like this piece of music is fluttering with dramatic crescendos, flutter sixteenth note runs, or hell, even just really loud timpanis – it’s whole notes. All of them. Every note? Whole. Come on! A kid with a Fisher price xylophone could play it!

And what’s more – the first year and a half of the symphony was a dotted-whole silence – six beats of nothing but nothingness! This guy said – “Hey, I’m going to start a symphony that will span SIX centuries in 2001, but I don’t expect any actual sound until 2003!” This man is not an artist. He’s a mental patient.

And it’s not like nobody should have seen this coming, either, which is probably the fault of the general public. His previously most famous work was titled 4’33”, “a piece comprising four minutes and 33 seconds of total silence, all meticulously notated.” That’s not work – that’s an excuse Cage came up with when his manager peaking into his musical cubicle.

Hey, I’ve got an idea for a blog. I’m a going to write a post that takes 481 years to write. The first part is me indenting my opening paragraph, and that will take us until 2007. Stay tuned.