Choosy Moms Choose Dads

Yes, we know. The next holiday on the calendar comes this Sunday, where mothers around the world will get there due (even Samuel L. Jackson, who we hear is one tough mother.) (This is also assuming this reader base does not celebrate this Thursday’s Thai holiday of Visakhabuja.)

(I think Spellcheck just committed suicide.)

So it would be nice to consider which of the following new mothers are best-fitted to care for their newborn. We’ve got Katie Holmes, Jackie Titone, and Lisa Ann Russell. What do you mean you’ve only heard of one of them? They’re all one-halves of Hollywood power couples? Ok, maybe that wouldn’t be the most interesting of blogs, considering you don’t know these people and the one that you do recently thanked you for smoking. That’s a dangerous mix.So even though their celebratory occasion does not fall until June 18, we feel that this would be text well spent if we forecast the abilities of the three new Hollywood fathers. Yes, Virginia, it’s true. In the last month, Hollywood welcomed these three megastars to the fatherly fold.

TOM CRUISE!
ADAM SANDLER!
MARK-PAUL GOSSELAAR!

What a trio of new daddies we have here, no? So here’s the scenario. Ten years down the road, your next-door neighbor – the one who always borrows your lawn tools and doesn’t give them back – mysteriously disappears – something about the circus? – I don’t know. But he’s left behind his wife and two young children. You’d offer to help, but the wife has an eye on your new lawnmower, and you just can’t afford to lose anymore gardening implements. You call Hollywood for help, and the three aforementioned names are tossed in the ring. Who do you choose?

Application #1
Name: Tom Cruise Mapother IV (for legal proceedings such as this, we gotta use the whole name. Sorry, T-C.)
Age: 43
Current Position: Training new recruits for the IMF. That’s Impossible Mission Force, not International Monetary Fund. But hey, how cool would that be if these two were one and the same? All sorts of cool banker gadgets. Take those pens that are chained to the counter, for example. They could extend to be a super-strength wire you could rappel down the side of the building. What was I talking about again?
Work Experience: Talk about an eerie situation. Cruise already did this once, back in 1996. Granted, Renee Zellweger agreed to leave her cushy sports agency job to follow him and his fish, and that kid was so damn cute, but he did play pinch-hit father to a T. Just don’t let him crash on the couch. He may break it.

Application #2
Name: Adam Sandler
Age: 39
Current Position: According to IMDB on his new summer movie “Click”, Sandler is currently a workaholic architect who has fun running his life with a universal remote. This could come in handy – considering he’ll never miss a kid’s soccer game because he’s at home – looking for the remote.Work Experience: Actually played a loving, normal father in Spanglish. But his real C.V. occurred in Big Daddy. Unconventional methods, sure, but he got the job done. You must subscribe to a daily newspaper – he’s going to need those for clean-up detail. And he knows Jon Stewart. That’s a plus.

Application #3
Name: Mark-Paul Gosselaar
Age: 32
Current Position: Unemployed. He served as special media advisor to President Mackenzie Allen on ABC’s Commander in Chief, which recently got the axe. And as we all know, to the victor goes the spoils, which means somebody’s out of a job. Would be available immediately.Work Experience: In a very special Home Ec episode of Saved by the Bell, Mark-Paul was paired in marriage with Kelly Kapowski, and actually had two children (which somehow were both Screech Powers.) An exemplary husband he may not have made, but with a caring heart (ref: Christmas in the Mall episode), he should be just fine to take care of yo’ kids.

Who do you choose? Who DO you choose?