An Extreme Longing for Cake

Many of you work in office settings. And in these office settings, there is most likely a communal kitchen or break room. (For those who do not have a break room, your management is working you too hard. Conduct an office chair grand prix up and down the corridor as a release, and if anyone asks, tell them I said it was okay.)

For those who do understand the break room phenomenon, you are probably aware that every now and then, a mystery plate of free food shows up on the counter, with little explanation or fanfare. It could be a plate of donuts or bagels. Perhaps some opened but largely full bottles of soda. The occasional sandwich or cookie tray may find its way to the break room. However, in most of these instances, you can guarantee that as quickly as they may have found their ways in, co-workers will find ways to help them find their ways right back out.

Scavengers of the office, unite.

This food exists in much the same way the coffee machine or water cooler do. Even though the suppliers of the two are different, the notion is that such snackable offerings will boost employee morale. Normally left over from staff meetings, it’s not a bad way to tide oneself over. However, all the aforementioned break room items are commonplace selection with which you and your comrades know exactly what to do. What happens, we ask, when it is not a tray of leftovers sitting there taunting you, but rather something bigger?
Say a whole cake, perhaps?

Office Counter Cake (OCC, for short) is a much more delicate situation for the vultures in the office break room. A successful swipe must take into consideration the following factors:

LABOR INTENSIVE SNACK – When there’s a tray of donuts, you can grab one without ever breaking stride. It’s largely a swoop motion, and if you’ve been blessed with the gift of stealth, you can grab one without anyone else doing a double take. OCC is WAY different. Grabbing a piece of bonus cake requires many things. You need a plate or napkin to carry your stash away. You need a knife to carve up the thing. Sure, you could use your hand, but that just slows down the getaway. This takes so much time you might as well put your name in for a table and order a drink from the bar. For the record, there’s no bar in our break room.

SUPPORTING THE CAUSE – Nobody makes a cake for the hell of it. Those who like to bake often find the need to create in the kitchen, and I’m cool with that. They’ll relieve this need by whipping up some brownies or cookies or even a batch of muffins? But cake? No one makes a cake because they feel like it. You need an occasion for a cake. And you DEFINITELY need a reason if you’re bringing that cake to work.

If you decide to get out all the implements required for an OCC heist, realize your supporting more than the “I’m hungry, damn it” efforts. That cake is left out there for a reason. If you partake, you are silently advocating whatever reason that cake was created for. Suddenly, by silent consent (it’s impolite to talk with food in your mouth) you are congratulating Ruthie on her promotion, wishing Jake a happy birthday, or whatever the event may be. Before you take the cake, read the frosting, will ya? Otherwise, you may be eating a “Barry Bonds for President” or “Let’s Kick Some Puppies!” cake. Not good, sir.