A New Food Chain

My wife is a science teacher. All day long, she fields questions from inquisitive young minds concerning different types of clouds, the parts of an insect, the difference between a cell wall and a cell membrane, and why germination is not the means by which a Berliner becomes a citizen. Fourth grade science clearly spans many topics over the course of a year, but it just occurred to me that no matter how many times you are forced to memorize all the invertebrate phyla, there is one group of creatures that students always forget. But that’s not fair, really. They always forget this last group because they were never taught it. We’re talking about the lost phyla of…

Gummi Animals.

I can understand why those skilled in nomenclature have avoided such a grey area in the world of the living. How does one classify these animals? They definitely lack a backbone, placing them squarely on the side of the animal invertebrates. However, they certainly resemble many creatures in the standard animal kingdom. On top of that, they often lack many qualities one would associate with either branch of the animal kingdom, so they could certainly be protests or amoeba. Not that I’ve ever seen them replicate by cellular division, but hey, I’m no gummi scientist.

No wonder I’m in the business world.

However, if I were to do a research paper on the classification and taxonomy of these weird, weird animals, I’d contact the folks at Haribo. No doubt, they know their stuff. As the pre-eminent leading source on amorphous goo organisms, Haribo has probably raked in their share of Nobel Prizes (which, rumor has it, are actually awarded in Sweden.) Now while most people are accustomed to the fierce and ferocious gummi bear, Haribo would have you know that evolution has also produced others, including worms, frogs, and sharks.

Before we delve into life more scientific, let’s state something for the record. In the early 1990s, the Walt Disney Company did their best to animate one of these largely lifeless species in their cartoon The Gummi Bears. It is of the opinion of YAB that this was a crappy cartoon. There were too many characters that didn’t really do anything interesting. While the fact it only lasted one season should be proof enough, I place the Gummi Bears a distant 6th, behind (in order) Duck Tales, Rescue Rangers, Darkwing Duck, Tale Spin, and the short-lived Marsupilami. And I’m pretty sure it was about drug use. Ok, back to the research.

Just like any other living member of God’s creation, there’s a circle of life in the gummi world. Granted, it’s nothing to have Elton John write a soundtrack about, but it’s pretty impressive nonetheless. A gummi worm, just like in real-life, is the lowest rung on the gummi food chain. While considerably larger in size than the rest of the gummi brethren, somehow lack of burrowing ability (and a functioning brain) leads to its demise. The gummi worm is often swallowed by the gummi frog. Two reasons for this, really. A frog must rely on weaker pry for food. 2 – There’s no way Haribo could successfully market a gummi fly.

Because gummi frogs are water-based creatures and inherently stupid, gummi sharks make short work of them. This is impressive, since these sharks cannot rely on the same razor sharp teeth as say, Jaws. This leaves us with the king of all things gooified.

The Gummi Bear can answer the age-old question, “Who would win in a fight – a shark or a bear?” If this was war, their numbers would be too much to overcome for the shark, who picks on frogs for a living. Yes, this is why the Gummi Bear reigns supreme. There are perks to being at the top of the food chain.

Assuming you exclude the fact that real people eat ALL gummi animals. Bunch of savages.