Graduation Do's and Don't's

This past Saturday I had the pleasant experience of watching my little sister graduate from the University of Mary Washington. For those doing the math at home, she’s three years my junior, which meant she probably should have graduated this time last year. Apparently, she did – I was busy taking a econ final of my own that morning and missed the Fredericksburg heat. But because I missed it, she stuck it out for one more year in a Masters in Elementary Ed program so that I could see her in all the pomp and circumstance.

(Or apparently to further her career. Eh, same difference.)

Whatever the reason, I realized that a graduation ceremony is the one place where it’s cool to have a surname that begins with the letter ‘Z’. All your life you stand at the back of the line, waiting for everyone else to be acknowledged. Sure, you’ll be recognized or called upon soon, but by the time they get to you, who cares? Well, at a graduation more than your family and friends care. Why? You are the last person to received a diploma, and this marks two major accomplishments.

First, you finished your rigorous coursework with enough proficiency to warrant this degree. Second, the audience of thousands are that much closer to getting out of the hot, hot sun and to their lunch location of choice. When your name is called, you would think you just tied Babe Ruth’s all-time HR total. (Or so I’ve heard. No one’s done that in a while, I hear.) It’s good to be last. So good in fact that I will take this opportunity to congratulation Cynthia D, Zuyek on her remarkable stroll to the podium. You’ve earned it, Cyndi. You’ve earned it.

Another deal breaker for a successful graduation ceremony is of course, the weather. There are two extremes Mother Nature can take on such an occasion, and neither is welcomed by the frenetic and worried event planners. Too much sun can result in a hot day. And while commencement exercises are lengthy, they are not long enough to allow the sun to complete its entire daily path across the sky. If you see me this week and the right side of my face seems a shade or two redder than the left, now you know why. Of course, too little sun brings on rain, and that brings the event planner to tears.

Yeah, you try and get 538 SHS seniors and family into the gym without hyperventilating. (you, not the people in the gym)

Now Mary Washington opted to both 1) read every graduate’s name aloud with little chance of pristine pronunciation and 2) use a recording of Pomp and Circumstance rather than kill poor young musicians with 47 repeats of the coda. I was once one of those poor young musicians, out on the football field waiting for the parade of graduates to walk by. Tim Morea, if you’re out there, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Graduation speakers are often the most memorable part of your big day (other than trying to find that stupid hat you foolishly launched in the air.) Looking back at William and Mary, I can’t help but feel a tad shafted:

2006: Bishop Desmond Tutu
2005: Retiring President Timothy J. Sullivan
2004: Jon Stewart
2003: Her Majesty Queen Noor of Jordan

2002: Lamar Alexander??