Every Heath You Take

I have a common first name. Many other people have include one of by best friends from each of the Shawnee Group and Monrovia circles of friends. This is in no way an admission that I would like a different first name. Alliteration rules, and I’m a big fan of having more syllables in the first name than the last name. Sorry, Tim Biakabutuka.

But if I had to change my name, why not Heath?

I wouldn’t change my name to Heath because it sounds cool. It would be all for the glory. The glory of potentially being one of the “Top Three Most Famous People Named Heath Ever.” Ah, gotta love the old TTMFPNHE rankings…

The way I see it, the gold and silver are pretty locked up for the time being.

The gold goes to actor Heath Ledger. The 26-year old Australian thespian has been in the business since 13, but broke through in the surprisingly decent teen flick, 10 Things I Hate About You. He followed up with period pieces The Patriot and Mattias Caro’s favorite movie of all-time, A Knight’s Tale. Supported Monster’s Ball, led the Four Feathers, and did a few more roles to show of his accent. But getting an Academy Award nomination for Brokeback Mountain established him as the new King of Heaths. And he can be considered the Normal Guy who fathered the chicld of a Dawson’s Creek gal. Just look who he had to compete with for that one…

Settling for a long servitude in second place was the previous favorite Heath – the Heath Bar. Yes, that toffee candy has taken the silver do to a complete lack of competition. The Heath Bar has put together a pretty nice resume. To its name, it has a Ben and Jerry’s ice cream flavor, a rival in the Skor bar, gone on record as the preferred candy bar of Elvis Presley, not to mention my wife. I mean, we should have seen this coming – it’s the only candy bar I can think of that actually has the word “eat” in its name.

I currently award the bronze medal to Zimbabwean cricketer Heath Streak. If for no other reason but to see the words “Zimbabwean cricketer” typed out on the screen. High Comedy.

Oh yeah, one other reason – to stick it to Heath Shuler.Heath Shuler is doing his best to rank on the TTMFPHNE, but I contend that he is more infamous than famous. A University of Tennessee QB from 90-93, he become the Washington Redskins’ biggest first-round draft flop in history. After five seasons, three with Washington and two more with the Saints and Raiders, Shuler retired to North Carolina to become active in politics, seeking a seat in Congress. Largely, unsuccessful before…

Heath is that much closer to coming back to Washington.

Redskins fans at www.stopshuler.com realize how bad this would be for a team that has seemed to turn the corner. Just his mere presence might send diehard fans into a worried frenzy, slamming their heads into concrete walls, a la Gus Frerotte. Now surely, a Congressional seat may merit Shuler that coveted third place on the Heathlist. Say it ain’t so.

No disrespect to the Zimbabwean cricketer, but wouldn’t I make an excellent 3rd place Heath?