Gnomenclature

The last two Tuesdays, Katie and I have spent our evenings in the company of strangers and some very helpful home buying personnel. For the low, low cost of 6 hours of primetime TV watching, you too can learn the ins and outs of what it will take to become a first-time home buyer. Now our lease doesn’t expire until the summer and if I really have a question I’ll give a call to Landowning Yelito (I call her Lando for short), but it’s never too early to learn the ABC’s of mortgages and escrows.Besides, if I don’t have a home of my own, when I can expect Publisher’s Clearing House to bring me my big check? Ain’t no way they’re delivering to some kid on the 4th floor of an apartment building. All the balloons will get stuck in the stairwell.

Now one thing that the Homebuying Guy went to great detail to point out to us that there are some monetary difference to owning property that you may not consider. The main one being, “You can’t sleep on lawn care.” Now as Stephen Ng once proved on the sidewalk outside Millington Hall 10 minutes before noon, you CAN sleep on lawn care, but I now realize Homebuying Guy may have been speaking figuratively. By “sleep on”, he means “forget about.” So, yeah, having a lawn, even if it’s a 5 foot by 4 foot patch in front of a town home, probably costs money. Unless, you’ve got scissors and a hell of a lot of patience.

Now a lawn that size probably does not require you to go buy a lawnmower right away, so that money you set aside for lawn care can be used for other things until your next place. (By the way, no sprinkler system can be superior to what a watering can/balloon can do, so scratch that cost as well.) So if you don’t need to spend the cash to cut or water your green, what else could there be?

Ah, lawn ornaments.

Now I can’t say I’ve ever lived in an abode that supported the use of lawn ornaments, but that by no means disqualifies me as an expert on the subject. After all, I once wrote a paper in 7th grade about how lawn jockeys were used to serve as trail markers for the underground railroad. Now the Civil Rights Movement has largely quelled the use of lawn jockeys in today’s society, and we have re-focused our fascination with jockeys, by cheering them on in Seabiscuit and underwear drawers. No, the two main families of lawn ornaments for this millennium? Pink Flamingos and Garden Gnomes.

For those with lawns and some scratch to spend, we present a highly Philosophical Tale of the Tape.

Which is more practical? The purpose of the lawn ornament is to 1) provide decoration and 2) make your yard unique. Now your garden variety garden gnome often appears in muted colors and low to the ground. The flamingo, on the other hand, sports a Pepto Pink and stands tall in the face of weed whackers. Which is easier to see for someone who didn’t trust in MapQuest? Easy. EDGE: Flamingo.

Who’s got more famous bretheren? Wow, this one is no contest. The Gnome can tip his hat to David the Gnome, whose cartoon may have totally sucked but had a partially redeemable theme song. (This is a Spud comment waiting to happen.) Flamingos, despite their color and beauty, have never had much Hollywood pub, save a crappy eighties Matt Dillon flick. EDGE: Gnome.

Which one does Liz Grimm have in her bedroom? EDGE: Flamingo.

Which could scare squirrels away? There’s nothing scary ever that’s bright pink. Hell, even Barbie wasn’t frightening once the world realized she can’t bend at the knee. Other action figures could be counted on to defend against her Fem-bot wiles. What was I talking about again? EDGE: Gnome.

Who would win in a fight? Yes, the flamingo has all the reach of Lincoln, but never underestimate those short and stocky types. They’ve got a lower center of gravity, a chip on their shoulders, and a bone to pick – one can only be mistaken for a troll so many times. Plus the flamingo, on one leg, would have some serious balance issues in the ring. EDGE: Gnome.

VERDICT: Buy thyself a garden gnome!