Go Go Flyers Head Coach!

The YAB Exclusive Interview Series was last done when Chris Smith passed the 1k mark in Race to Own Every DVD Ever Made (even Sandlot 2). Today, we unearth our microphones and talk with Joe Brescia, the *ahem* new Head Coach of the Philadelphia Flyers.

You’re a Blog: Mr. Bresica, thank you for agreeing to take some time for the people of YAB. Even though your new team, the Philadelphia Flyers have had a 5-day break, you’ve no doubt been busy trying to right the ship. Now we know that other news outlets are reporting that John Stevens has already accepting the head coaching job. We personally put little stock in those reports. As the REAL head coach, would you consider keeping Stevens on as an assistant? If not, who do you have in mind to round out your staff?

Joe Brescia: Chris, don't mention it. I am glad to have the honor, nay, the privilege, to be graced among the YAB records and its audience. I must admit I was shocked to get the call up. It was only the other day that I was making my usual rounds and table visits when I came across a bunch of disgruntled business men talking about the Flyers and the front office. Me not being the one who's afraid to sweep kick in a fight, jumped all over the conversation and started making my ideas known of what i would do. Needless to say, one loss, one firing, and one retirement later, here I am.

John Stevens is a great man. Kind, conservative, and loving. Everything you don't want in a coach, but for a more appropriate genre of management. I moved John into head of customer relations and the newly formed "Phlex Brigade". He actually enjoys wearing the suit. As for my personal staff, I have made a few calls around the league, country, world, and mostly tristate area. My obvious choice for assistant coach is non-other than David Kull. While not the best at draft picks or line-ups for that matter, he is the perfect tool for team motivation and moral. I went and did something no Coach or GM ever did and that was making Kull my assistant team Captain. By a loop-hole in league rules it allows him to take penalties for other players and sit in the box, but I do lose a roster spot. It'll be worth it the first double-minor/game misconduct. As far as the rest of my staff goes, I have taken a more unorthodox approach. We here at the flyers have been in negotiations with numerous corporate and social magnates for certain positions in our staff. We are very close to striking a deal with Tanya Harding as our Goaltending Coach. She's apparently very good handling the pipes.

YAB: Ah, nothing makes me feel confident about a coaching staff more than the phrase “perfect tool.” So if Assistant Coach/Captain Kull is taking up a spot on your roster, and most likely as a forward (since 6 D-men are already a bare minimum), which of your current Flyers gets demoted?

JB: Ahhhh......you raise a very good question. As part of my mentoring system to the younger players, it is those that perform poorly week to week will be sent to the minors to help out coach Kjell. I hear his "new" ultimate ice fighter workout is a blast. This system will be based on demerits. You get a demerit for all of the following:
1.) Not passing to Gagne
2.) Calling Mr. Forsberg by his first name
3.) Not calling Coach Kull by his proper nickname...Flyerhead Man
4.) Not having a hot wife/girlfriend or both
5.) Not ridiculing the new towel boy mercilessly...Bob Clarke
6.) Not bowing when Phlex passes by
7.) Not passing to Gagne
8.) Not having a spare Red Bull on hand for me at all times
9.) Being Mis-Confused
10.) Way too many men on the ice
11.) saying that Bud Ice, the official NHL beer, is better than Yuengling
12.) Failing to speak English
13.) Being Russian
14.) Not addressing me as Satan (That's the devil, and not that cheese ball from the Islander whose name is pronounced (Shu-Taan)
15.) Not donating a large portion of your salary to myself
16.) Not passing to Gagne
17.) Not shooting at least one puck a game at the other teams coach
18.) Having a better cell phone than myself

YAB: That’s an excellent program Phantoms Coach Kjell Samuelsson has developed, and we’re glad you’ve shared it with our readers, but in true Bobby Clarke style, you’ve managed to answer a question without actually ANSWERING THE QUESTION. We need a player’s name here.

JB: Triston Grant. Yeah. I refuse to have anybody on the ice for my team whose name is the name of the main character that James Franco was in that horrible period piece out lining the struggles of England gaining freedom from it's Irish brethren.

YAB: That’s some sound rationale, something that former Coach Ken Hitchcock would never have thought of. Let’s be thankful that the flick wasn’t “Antero and Isolde.” Moving on, we’d like to look a little into your past. With former players like Guy Carbonneau, Craig MacTavish, and of course, Wayne Gretzky in the coaching ranks, what about your playing career in the Shawnee High School parking lot will help you to coach the Flyers back into the win column?

JB: Your prose is astounding. I prefer the much antiquated hit first, mock your mama later approach. Those players that achieve a recognizable degree of creativity will be rewarded with ice time. I am also not one for padding my lead. One goal is all I need. Even if that goal comes within the first few minutes, I would rather use the remaining 50+ minutes of a game down one or two men to relentlessly beat the snot out of the other team. It's all about Intimidation. INTIMIDATION. You don't score until you score. UNTIL YOU SCORE.

YAB: Would you call this season a “culmination?” If so, a culmination of what?

JB: I would indeed call this season a culmination, CULMINATION!!! YAYYYYYY!!!!!! YOU'RE MINE LINDROS!!!

Sorry, where was I, ah yes, the culmination of tears, anger, sadness, and above all hate, have led us to where we are today. This culmination, CULMINATION, has led us to change, which in turn has led to a win. Not just on the ice, but off the ice as well. As Tony Little tells us, those butt crunches we do while riding the pine (No pun intended) will pay off dividends in the later years.

YAB: Final question – if you were stuck in a shootout against the New York Rangers, and you only had one more shooter left, which of the following late-nineties Philadelphia Phantoms would you count on to bring home the W. Paul Healey or Bruce Coles?

JB: You’re a Bruce.