Ever since the beginning of this blog (2004), we have been comforted by the fact that Camden, New Jersey has been nationally recognized as the “Most Dangerous City in America.” Back in ‘04, we danced in the streets when South Jersey’s favorite place to catch a concert while getting carjacked stole the top spot from Detroit Rock City. (Pun completely intended.)
In 2005, Camden retained the top spot in the land by continuing its daily regimen of gunplay, bureaucratic corruption, and scaring aquarium-bound field trips who “just wanted to see the fishes, not swim with them.”
In 2006, Chris Condon moved apartments yet again, this time down the street into a new complex just yards away from a sweet, sweet movie theater. In addition to having primo restaurants and copious parking, the name of said complex had a familiar ring to it. Yep, you guess it. We live in a complex owned by Camden Living. Now, I don’t know if our faith in Camden by giving the word a connotative second chance got everyone up in the Jersey Version soft, but Camden no longer can lay claim to the Golden Handcuffs award. Yes, friends, Camden is now the runners-up, the Detroit Tigers of the Crime Scene. And curiously enough, this group of Tigers also lost out…
….to St. Louis.
Yes, St. Louis, Missouri, with some timely hitting, excellent defensive play, strong bullpen help, and a complete disregard for local firearm laws, have taken both the World Series and the Top Crime City trophies – in the same weekend. Now, much will be made of the Cardinals being the worst regular season team to ever become World Champions, but we’ll leave that for the experts at Deadspin. Instead, it seems that we will cover the lesser of two titles. Today, Camden passes the torch to the Gateway to the West, who promptly took that torch and added seven counts of arson to its rap sheet.
So what could possibly have the St. Lunatics so angry that would cause a 20 per cent surge in violent crime? After all, the city is home to a World Series MVP who stands 5-foot-7 and is as intimidating as monkey with a cold. Hell, even their most notable monument, the St. Louis Arch, is non-threatening. The Statue of Liberty holds a giant wand of fire. The Arch? Its rounded edges make a paper cut seem more dangerous.
And it’s not in the name, either. St. Louis has been named after Louis IX of France, who was known for his piety and kindness towards the destitute. Sure, he caused a little bloodshed with a couple of failed Crusades, but hey, he was sick of other rulers calling him Louise and he needed to prove he was a tough guy. After being canonized by Pope Boniface VIII in 1297, he went on to become the patron saint of both the French and hairdressers. Goodbye, Tough Guy Street Cred. Here’s a blow dryer.
On the other end of the spectrum, the safest city in the United States is in the Garden State as well: Brick, New Jersey. So the city in Missouri named after St. Wusspants is the most dangerous and the city in NJ named after a hardcore building material is the safest. Maybe it’s time, St. Louis, for a name change.
Now we respect that St. Louis as a name has some legacy behind it. Your sports teams alone and Nelly’s career rely on this. So, in order to keep your city’s abbreviation as STL, so that no one needs to fix their sports score news tickers, we’ve decided to research on behalf of St.Louis a list of L-saints with more intimidating legacies – so that criminals will be too scared to commit violent crime. Hell, it’s worked for Brick.
In fact, we’ll leave it up to the YAB Electorate and based on the vote, I’ll pen a letter to the Mayor. Here are your choices:
- St. Luke – Patron Saint of Surgeons
- St. Leopold – Patron Saint of Austrians (including Ahh-nold)
- St. Lawrence – Patron Saint of Librarians
- St. Ludmila – Patron Saint of Bohemia (and likely a certain Rhapsody)
- St. Lucy of Syracuse – Patron Saint of big, dumpy mascots
No comments:
Post a Comment