I'm Country! (With a Touch of Silk)

On Election Day, yes the Day that will determine the next 2+ years of government, the entire House, a third of the Senate, and 36 Governor seats are up for grabs. The day could be spent predicting electoral winners, debating the issues, and playing Pin the Tail on the Pundit. And yet, THIS is breaking news.

Britney Spears has filed for divorce.

That’s right, above all the election madness and chaos, CNN.com is reporting that the teen pop star has filed for divorce from husband Kevin Federline, citing irreconcilable differences. K-Fed, who YABNews could not reach for comment, remains quiet mainly because he is unable to operate a telephone. Besides, his album, which dropped last week, sold about 12 copies. We’re guessing Britney wasn’t one of those shoppers.

From this point, Federline, now the unwed father of two sets of two kids, will likely shrink into obscurity, get his Ferrari impounded, get laughed out of the music scene, and be an absolute Lock for Surreal Life 13. But what of Ms. Spears? A mother of two, no doubt itching to return to the music business, will need a man by her side to get through these troubled times. And since we have NO idea what she saw in K-Fed, we’re going to arbitrarily assumed she dug the first name. That said, he is our ranking of the 7 Most Compatible Kevins for Britney Spears (in ascending order of match):

7) K-Mac = Kevin McHale – McHale, a former power forward and Hall of Famer from the Boston Celtics, is currently making some cash as an executive with the Minnesota Timberwolves. At 49 years old, K-Mac spends his days working hard in Minnesota, whose climate can often stray from the temperature of Southern California. Our guess, since he has the more stable gig, Spears won’t be willing to relocate. (That’s sad when your job is less stable than someone working in sports.)

6) K-Gar = Kevin Garnett - Garnett is the marquee player for, strangely, the Minnesota Timberwolves. This could be incredibly awkward for the pair, considering Spears has already gone on a date or two with Garnett’s boss – one Kevin McHale. Standing at 6’11”, he stands a good 19 inches taller than her – my guess is that she’s not going to go for the Big Ticket.

5) K-Bac = Kevin Bacon - Alright it’s time for some Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, no? Ok, let’s see. Kevin Bacon was in Hollow Man with Elisabeth Shue. Shue was in Back to the Future with Christopher Lloyd. Lloyd was (gasp) in Baby Geniuses with Kim Cattrall, who inexplicably was in Crossroads with Britney Spears. And we’re now all dumber for knowing that.

4) K-Neal = Kevin Nealon – How can she not love the Mr. Weekend Update subliminal commentary? She would be good for his career toxic and use K-Fed’s old Ferrari to drive him. Crazy In return, Kevin Nealon can introduce her to all his old SNL castmates. out of work And then help her greenlight The Ladies Man Part Deux. trainwreck

3) K-Nold = Kevin Arnold – Oh, Kevin Arnold. You’re now unmarried in your thirties, and Winnie Cooper has never EVER looked back since leaving after high school to study art in Europe. It’s time to re-enter the dating pool, buddy. Let’s just hope big brother Wayne doesn’t pick on you for hitting on a girl from the Mickey Mouse Club.

2) K-Space = Kevin Spacey – The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was marrying Britney Spears, locking her in a castle somewhere, and never having to read about her in the tabloids again.

1) K-Culk – Kevin McAllister – It’s getting near the holiday season, which means only one thing. Poor Kevin will end up spending Christmas alone, thanks to his unbelievably negligent mother and father. Oops, the McAllisters did it again. And it should be Britney Spears who can relate more than anyone when it comes to this.