No, He's Not a Bald Man Now

This past weekend, I visited the Great and Powerful Chris Nordberg down in Charlotte, North Carolina. You may have noticed that it’s been a while since a “phone-it-in” joke has graced the text of YAB, and that’s not because we haven’t been looking for an opportunity. You see, the PTI King has gone all respectable on us, leaving the halls of academia and is actually working. At a job. That pays him money.

In un-related news, the Chapel Hill Chik-Fil-A has suffered a 2.3 million loss for their third quarter financial statements. Weird.

Yes, Nordberg isn’t only working for The Man, he IS the Man. Working for a bank that rhymes with Krakhozia, he’s got a sweet gig in a downtown office where they PAY for you to eat if you have to work on a weekend. That’s high-class, no doubt. He’s got a sweet business card, a nice view of the city, and a cool apartment with squares cut out of the walls where normal people put decorative vases.

(In his absence, we replaced said vases with even more decorative cans of tennis balls and Mountain Dew.)

And the fun does not end there! Nordberg was recently working on a deal that required him to fly out to a major potential client this week and help pitch the bank’s proposal, in hopes of getting to remove “potential” from their name. It required a lot of hard work for Nordberg and his team. But as they flew to the West Coast (in your ‘hood, Toms), they felt confident with their materials, their pitch, and their chances.

Now, we have full confidence in Nordberg’s team’s abilities, and as a member of the team, we know him to go the extra mile for the W. (Hell, there are unconfirmed reports he said he would “dance like Britney Spears for an A” in Szykman’s class at WM.) (Which are unconfirmed not because of a lack of witnesses – we just all think he was bluffing.) But you can never control both sides of the deal, since the deal is often complex. And no matter how hard Nordberg prepares and delivers, someone else could come in with an ace in the hole. Well, Roommate, I’ve got an ace for you the next time you find yourself in such a position.

The following is how Nordberg should go into Pitch Meetings from now on:

It’s really quite simple. One must lure the other party into a win-win bigger situation. Now, Nordberg’s team is the win side of this – the sure thing and the lock. The win bigger may be his competitors – those who may produce greater results, but as a lesser qualified bank, comes with a lot of risk. If the other part should opt to go with Lesser Qualified Bank (that’s actually their name), it could all come crashing down, and likely with a greater percentage than it all going well.

In business, it’s largely a game of calculated risk, and this scenario is no different. As Nordberg’s team awaits the potential client’s answer, one would think it would look like a bunch of suits fidgeting nervously. But no – Nordberg will be too crafty for that. Rather than fidgeting executives around the table, his team will consist of 26 or so attractive women, all wearing the same exact colorful cocktail dress. In addition, each will be carrying a silver suitcase. There’s nothing in these suitcases – but the shininess factor the suitcases bring deflect attention from Nordberg – who needs time to check his Blackberry for satirical e-mails from Condon.

When the presentation is over and the client’s decision in on the lion, this is where Nordberg will need to take control of the room. Dressed in a dark suit, designer striped shirt, and no tie (perhaps an earring?), Nordberg will place a mysterious red button down in front of the decision maker. Hopefully, he’ll have it cased in an enclosed transparent cube on a hinge, but if he’s running late, one of these will suffice. And then, with the help of his portable sound and lighting system, he’ll stare that client in the eye, pause once, and then ask the big question.

"Deal…Or No Deal?"

(And I always thought he’d play the part of the Banker.)