But Why Did You Burn the Rum?

Geez, in our second 2-A-Day in a row, it just seems that news is breaking everywhere. Fortunately for society, YAB has enough duct tape to fix it all.

As Kevin Federline stepped down yesterday from the role of “Mr. Britney Spears,” today a new resignation has replaced him on the news ticker, thereby relegated him to obscurity after less than than 24 hours. Everyone, at this point, is reporting that Donald Rumsfeld is stepping away from the Cabinet and leaving his post as the Secretary of Defense.

(NB – They prefer to be called Administrative Assistants of Defense, mind you.)

Now while this wouldn’t be a bad time to suggest to President Bush our plan to fill the cabinet with Muppets, we understand that things are a bit crazy the day after a national midterm election and that trying to widen the doorway for new HSA Chief Snuffleupagus to get to work is probably low on the priority list. So instead, in the vein of replacing Britney’s hubby, we’ve decided to submit a list of Donalds that should be considering in the search for a new SoD. After all, picking a arbitrary career solely on the back of whatever first name your parents happened to give you can only happen in the land of the free and the home of the brave. Besides, it gives Condon hope that one day he can discover America, be Superman, or just catch touchdowns.

The following is our nominated list of Donalds to become the next Secretary of Defense.

Candidate: Donald Trump
Credentials: Has ability to serve as leader of large organizations – Trump Co. employs more than 80,000 people. Has a large annual budget that he knows how to handle. Darrell Hammond already has a decent impression of him. Has immovable politician hair.
Pitfall: May have difficulty switching catchphrase from “You’re Fired” to “Fire!”

Candidate: Donald Duck
Credentials: Will let the President make the final call by wearing the pants. Guessing from sailor’s hat and shirt, has storied military career. Has three sons he can appoint as Secretaries of the Army, Navy, and Air Force. Ducks are often regarded as “Mighty.”
Pitfall: Very bad temper. Terrible speech impediment could confuse Press Corps.

Candidate: Donald Cheadle
Credentials: Has seen and dealt with first-hand Oscar-winning racism, the only candidate that has addressed and helped during the Rwandan genocide, has a history with munitions (although mostly casino-related targets), can make the Super Bowl seem incredibly cool in a mere 30 seconds.
Pitfall: Hates the name Donald. Call him Don, please.

Candidate: Jo-Dan
Credentials: As I understand it, is a Japanese term for “I will now punch you in the face.” Terrorists hate being punched in the face.
Pitfall: Is less a person and more an abstract idea. Abstract ideas tend to evade questioning.

Candidate: Donald Quixote
Credentials: Sees the big picture, among other things. Can alert the joint chiefs of staff when the terrorists disguise themselves as windmills. Can help the President get the Latino vote.
Pitfall: Mentally insane in every regard.

Candidate: Donald King
Credentials: Has spent entire career putting together large deals that involve violence. Worked with Mike Tyson and lived to tell the tale. Main catchphrase, “Only in America!” patriotic in all regards. Can make up words and get away with it.
Pitfall: His politician hair is anything but immovable.