Welcome back to another year of Dueling Previews, the only place on the Interwebs where you can find a comprehensive NFL season preview and a review of all the rookie shows on the prime time TV schedule - AT THE SAME TIME. We feel that last year was a rousing success, as we provided far more pub to cellar dwellers like Celebrity Duets, Vanished, and "Oakland Raiders" than just about anywhere else.
Honestly, from scrutinizing the new fall schedule, we don't have high hopes for TV in 2007-2008. Nothing has caught my eye as a must-see, and with Lost on hiatus until January, it's going to be brutal. In order to combat dullness, the NBC Studio Football Night crew has now expanded to 18 people, bringing in new faces including John Riggins, Jimmy Fallon, Kenny Chesney, and Tank Johnson's ammo guy.
But football never disappoints. If you have an interest in making games like Oakland-Detroit actually interesting, you can join our Dethrone the King pool here on YAB by leaving a comment on this post.
Ok, let's get to it. Who's up for running an Oop-Tee-Oop?
Arizona Cardinals and Viva
Laughlin (CBS, Sun, 8:00) – Have you seen anything about CBS’ new rival to Extreme Makeover: Home Edition? No? It’s probably because the ad wizards at CBS have no idea how to promote a show that’s being described as a story about “a dreamer who gambles his assets on the launch of a fabulous new casino. He's plagued by a mistress, a murder, money problems and a greedy rival. Oh, and people occasionally break into song.” Ok, it seems like a standard Vegas drama – I see gambling, organized crime, cut-throat business tactics, and what? Choreographed singing and dancing? (Allison Fraser would LOVE this.) Is this our generation’s Cop Rock? In the NFL, the Las Vegas-esque position is the quarterback. The QB is the movie star, the rock star, and the high roller of the team. One of the few faces a fan can recognize sans helmet, the QB makes the big money and knows how to spend the big money, just like in Vegas. Now based on the off-season coverage of the NFL, a casual fan might conclude the quarterback is the one responsible for the violence against puppies. Hey man, Vegas has violence, so should its NFL equivalent. This makes sense. But Matt Leinart isn’t your typical quarterback. He doesn’t kill puppies. He LOVES puppies. Check out that photo! That is so un-quarterback like! And that, there, is no song and dance. EDGE: Arizona Cardinals
San Francisco 49ers and Private Practice (ABC, Wed, 9:00) – 4 years later, it may be safe to assume that the greatest asset that ABC’s dramedy powerhouse Desperate Housewives gave the network was not the Emmys, the ratings, or America’s unhealthy obsession with Eva Longoria – easily the least talented of the four actresses on that show. No, what DH did was re-open a timeslot that had been long considered deceased by TV watchers – Sundays at 10. For the viewership who would tune in to see DH then stuck around for Grey’s Anatomy, another ratings powerhouse. Now Grey’s has gotten too big to afford all its actors, and have spun off red-headed doctor Kate Walsh into her own private practice in California, far from the familiar halls of her Seattle hospital home. Similar thinking hit WR Darrell Jackson this past summer, bolting the Seahawks’ familiar blue, gray, and electric green (?) after 7 years to set up shop in San Francisco. Will his QB, Alex Smith, now in his third year, prove to be a passer with surgical precision? We’ll have to tune in and see. EDGE: Private Practice
Seattle Seahawks and Moonlight (CBS, Fri, 9:00) – When we read that Moonlight is about a dashing private eye who also happens to be a vampire, we scanned all of the NFL rosters for a player who would be most likely to fit that profile. But then we got a call from the NFL’s new commissioner, Roger Goodell, who asked us explicitly to avoid prolonging the negative image that has plagued the league in his first year of office. Since it’s unusual for us to get phone calls from pro sports commissioners (owners, on the other hand…) we decided to oblige Mr. Rog. So instead, we’re using this space to promote the player in the nfl who we feel is the complete opposite of a dashing private eye who also happens to be a vampire. And that player is Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck. If he were dashing, Elizabeth from Survivor would have married him over his understudy brother, Tim. If her were a private eye, he could have solved the mystery of the questionable refereeing from Super Bowl 40. And if he were a vampire, he would have a strong distaste for garlic. Matt can’t enough of that stuff. EDGE: Seattle Seahawks
St. Louis Rams and The Next Great American Band (Fox, Fri, 8:00) – Before I get to Stephen Jackson and company, let me give you a brief explanation as to what American Band aims to do – and that is to improve the rock scene by turning it into a voting arms race. Much like American Idol aimed to make a superstar out of one person via a drawn-out, watered-down reality competition, your next supergroup will be formed using similar methods. Here’s the rub. Great bands are formed over time by friends who have inherent musical chemistry, not by choosing a lead singer to pair with a shredworthy guitarist to pair with a drumming virtuoso. That may be how good rock is formed, but not great rock, which the title so implies. The Rams? They’re good rock, not great rock. If they haven’t made it to the NFC Championship with the current cast of characters, they inch closer to a tear-down and rebuild phase. Torry Holt and Isaac Bruce aren’t getting younger or healthier, and Marc Bulger is the starting QB because his wife was less scary than Kurt Warner’s. Defense has a new face in Adam Carriker, but otherwise is toast against stronger teams. The Rams may want to be Zeppelin; instead we have Nickelback at the Edward Jones Dome, now through December. EDGE: St. Louis Rams
This afternoon: The AFC East!
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