Dethrone the King!

I’m not a big fan of people who have the surname “King.” It’s like some shot of nomenclature self-entitlement has fused with their general personality, because some time long ago one of their relatives fell into a fortunate position of royalty. They’re aren’t many monarchies these days; people continuing to exist with the “King” name are hard-pressed to find a throne and scepter to call their occupation. So instead, they are forced to take non-ruling positions in our global work force. Talk about a shot to the ego.

After all, your last name probably is based upon either 1) the place in which your ancestors hailed from or 2) the job your ancestors held. Most of these words have dulled over time, and have become non-offensive to those who use them today. Rob Harford, for example, probably can attribute his family handle to some tiny hamlet back in England. Chris Smith, no doubt, comes from a long line of smiths, those who worked with metal for a living. Karen Yelito – erm, well, uh, no doubt got her name when a great-great grandfather cried whilst falling off a cliff. Everyone’s got a story.

But those who choose to continue using “King?” I have no patience for these people. Larry King is perpetuating idiocy in the media by lobbing softball questions at repentant Paris Hilton and putting his support behind crappy movies like Rush Hour 3. Stephen King, though a great writer, prides himself on not owning a cellular phone. One of these days he’s going to be alone in a spooky house and something from the undead will be closing in, tracking his every move. And since the undead know to kill the phone lines, Stephen King will one day regret his anti-technological stance. James King – he, wait no, SHE is that pretty blonde nurse who bites it in the bombing scene from Michael Bay’s Pearl Harbor. Her androgynous moniker confuses me to this day. (And judging from Josh Hartnett’s perpetual confused face, he doesn’t know what to make of it, either.) And that Martin Luther King – my GOD – no, wait –

We’re cool with Martin Luther King. Junior.

But Peter King? No freakin’ way.

Peter King is the football journalist Emeritus over at Sports Illustrated. He’s well-respected for his weekly Monday Morning Quarter Back (MMQB) column, where he covers the week in the NFL, among other things. He’s parlayed his surging readership to an occasional desk appearance on NBC’s Sunday night football coverage. And he prides himself on having a cell phone with every possible football contact in its address book. And yet,

I CAN’T STAND HIM.

You want reasons, in a blinding, over-crowded paragraph form? Sure! He name drops so much, it’s like he dropped a phone book on his foot. He showed repeated bias towards the New England Patriots, his hometown team. He constantly mentioned his daughter’s collegiate sports prowess, and then gets mad when other websites poke fun at it. He thinks that his views on coffee are shaping the entire industry. He invokes a “Quote of the Week” feature, and then proceeds to list 9 Quotes of the Week. He takes moral stances on things that have nothing to do with his expertise – like the amount of violence in The Departed. He makes list of the 500 Best Players in the NFL, and insists that Packers CB Al “I Am Served Often with Jam” Harris is better than 1,554 other guys. He reviews movies that came out 9 years ago because he just got around to seeing them. (Saving Private Ryan was recently featured.) He makes obvious statements like “This LaDanian Tomlinson kid may turn out to be a decent back in this league.” Oh, and he sucks at fantasy.

WHAT WILL WE DO TO COMBAT THIS?

YAB will be holding a weekly “Pick the Winners” known as Dethrone the King, a way to prove that you, the average person, know more than a guy who follows football for a living. Each week, I will e-mail you my patented DtK form, and all you have to do is e-mail it back to me before the games start that week. The standings will be maintained in the sidebar here at YAB, and anyone who ends up with a better record than Peter King at year’s end will receive a YAB bumper sticker that proclaims your scrumtrilescense.

If you are interested, let me know in the comments.