As with last year's previews, the NFL managed to launch their season a few days early, preventing me from having a completely unbiased view of the season pending any actual results. On Thursday night, the Indianapolis Colts defeated the New Orleans Saints 41-10 at home in the RCA dome. So just when we thought John Mellancamp could fade into oblivion, his hometown team had to go and win the first every world championship for the Hoosier State. This no doubt led to Chevrolet renewing their deal with the Coug, as it seems we're in for more of the same commercials this year.
This is ourrrrrrr country.
Now onto Peyton and the teams he gets to beat not once, but twice this season.
Indianapolis Colts (1-0) and Cavemen (ABC, Tue, 8:00) 
– How did Peyton Manning not get a slot on the new fall primetime schedule? Peyton Manning, whose laser rocket arm endorses Sprint, was brilliant on Saturday Night Live last year. He, who was born from a rain-soaked Gatorade football, turned in the best commercial sketch in a decade with the United Way spoof. Manning, who thinks you should switch to DirectTV, did a ridiculous dance in the locker room sketch and got many laughs in the process. And yet #18, who never thinks it’s a bad time to use his Mastercard, is a Super Bowl MVP without a new pilot on any major network. But you know what? The Cavemen, who think you could save money on your car insurance by switching to Geico, have a prime comedy slot on ABC on Tuesdays. I tell you, Peyton Manning (who wears Reebok and wants you to as well), will find a way to get his revenge. He always does. EDGE: Indianapolis Colts
Houston Texans and Life (NBC, Wed, 10:00) – Life is about a guy who spent considerable time in jail for a crime he did not commit. (And it’s likely Martin Lawrence’s next great script idea.) Once he gets out, he does the completely logical thing – he becomes a police officer in the very precinct that threw him behind bars. He turns out to be a good cop, and yet nobody really trusts him or gives him a clean slate in their minds. No matter how much good he’ll do the Force, he’s going to have that reputation of being a criminal despite doing nothing to deserve that title. That guy is Matt Schaub. Matt Schaub spent last year as a quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons, a position that’s not exactly on the Best Jobs to Have list for 2007. He spent three years in the shadow of a man that felt the wrath of his actions weeks ago. But Matt Schaub didn’t stick around – he got traded to Houston. Hopefully the Texans will not falsely relate him to Vick’s misgivings. Also, hopefully his new offensive line will block a little better than the last guy who took snaps behind them and wore the #8 jersey. EDGE: Houston Texans
Tennessee Titans and Nashville (FOX, Fri, 9:00) – When we starting writing these previews a year ago, we looked for clever ways to link a group of 53 guys playing a sport with a program that has little sports content. We’ve paralleled actor’s careers with that of new free agents, found similarities in the plotlines, used plays-on-words, words-on-plays, and everything else in between. Well, guess what? The Tennessee Titans play in Nashville. BOOM! Be careful where you step – the literary magic is falling from the skies as we speak. Anyway, Nashville is brought to you by the people who produce Laguna Beach, as they refocus their view from the West Coast of Orange County to the country hot spot of Tennessee. We’ll follow a bunch of aspiring musicians who are likely prettier than they are talented, including Terry Bradshaw’s kid. (Ok, in that case, she’s like more talented than pretty, if she didn’t fall far from the tree.) I will only watch this show if they cast Vince Young. As he proved in the Rose Bowl two years ago and last year in the latter half of the season, this man can do it all. It’s just a shame that LenDale White frequents the Krispy Kreme near Dave’s old apartment a little too much. EDGE: Tennessee Titans
Jacksonville Jaguars and Cane (CBS, Tue, 10:00) – Who doesn’t love a good Bible story? (Answer: Osama bin Laden.) CBS has decided to kick it Old Testament with a modern-day adaptation of the story of Cain and Abel. Hector Elizondo, whose name is 38% more fun to say than mine, overlooks his elder son (played by the guy who was Richard Alpert on Lost) in favor of Jimmy Smits. Smits’ spoils? Why, he’s now in charge of the family business, a rum and sugar operation. Of course, it’s an operation on the up-and-up, since Smits no doubt has old pals in the NYPD up the coast. However, you have to feel bad for the Nestor Carbonelli (read: Alpert), who has remained in his father’s good graces for the past few years, working through injuries, showing immediate resolve, being a team leader, and agreeing to run for his life when his protection has broken down. Tough luck, Nestor, I mean Richard, I mean Frank – what should we call you, anyway? Screw it; for now on, Hector Elizondo’s two children will be called David Garrard and Byron Leftwich. And we hate to break it to you, it’s not called rum friends; it’s called rum business. EDGE: Cane
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