Scoring the Duel - NFC

To finish off our Post-Partum Blog Explosion Tour, this is the first of two parts recapping and handicapping just how dead-on (or off) we were regarding our September Dueling Previews of the NFL and New Fall Television. If you remember, we paired each of the 32 NFL teams with a fledgling network rookie, and predicted which would have the better season. Since I am writing this introduction first (as intros are meant to be written, unless you ask my HS English teacher Mrs. Newman), I really have no idea how well we did. Surprises are fun. First, here’s the NFC. The AFC to follow later this afternoon.

(Oh, for archival purposes, these are the links.)

NFC North and South, NFC East and West,
AFC North and South, AFC East and West

(Initial Predictions in BOLD)
Green Bay Packers vs. NBC’s Twenty Good Years – The Packers (8-8) were better that expected, so much so that we’re going to enjoy a whole other year of John Madden and Peter King pining over Brett Favre. In other news, John Lithgow can go back to making bizarre soup commercials. VERDICT: WRONG!

Chicago Bears vs. FOX’s Standoff – Well, the Bears (13-3) did better than anyone expected despite Rex Grossman at the helm, earning a trip to the Super Bowl. So unless Standoff has become a ratings juggernaut for Fox, it’s unlikely it took down the Monsters of the Midway in 2006. (scanning Fox’s lineup) Yeah, I thought not. VERDICT: RIGHT!

Minnesota Vikings vs. CW’s Runaway – Sometimes a team in the NFL can be the fortunate beneficiary of having an easy schedule over a given season. So even though the Vikings (6-10) struggled after some big quality wins early on, it’s not hard to knock off a Donnie Wahlberg program that was cancelled by October. VERDICT: RIGHT!

Detroit Lions vs. ABC’s Ugly Betty – Let’s see, we sort of picked a team with Jon Kitna at the helm and no real reason to live over the eventual Golden Globe winner for Best TV Comedy. As punishment for such a blatant misfire, we promise to watch every Detroit Lion (3-13) game next year, no matter how painful. VERDICT: WRONG!

New Orleans Saints vs. NBC’s Heroes – WOW. There’s a good matchup. Heroes is easily my favorite new show, and thanks to the recent Mr. Bennet episode, it stands as the surprise hit of NBC’s Monday night. And at the same time, the Saints (10-6) were the surprise of the season, going to the playoffs, beating the Eagles before losing to Chicago in a blizzard. Both are high performers. However, we’ll ultimately vindicate our prediction and give the edge to Heroes. Why? The Saints lost at home to Washington. VERDICT: RIGHT!

Carolina Panthers vs. CBS’s Smith – Smith’s star Ray Liotta was finished with this 3-episode wonder so quickly he had time to participate in the wretched “Wild Hogs,” opening in theaters this weekend. Sadly, for William H. Macy, he didn’t have any other engagements. As for the Panthers (8-8), a mediocre year is all it takes to beat the first official canceled show on the Fall. VERDICT: RIGHT!

Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. ABC’s The Bachelor: Rome – Ok, let’s see – I know absolutely nothing about how well The Bachelor did picking beautiful women in Rome, or how well he did in the ratings. But I have to assume he fared better than Tampa (4-12), who only one four games and their starting QB was a weekly Injured List fixture because of a ruptured spleen. Ouch. VERDICT: WRONG!

Atlanta Falcons vs. CW’s The Game – Michael Vick would like you all to know that’s he’s very sorry about flipping the middle finger to the Falcons (7-9) fans, trying to smuggle weed onto an airplane, and preventing Matt Schaub from being a solid NFL QB. The CW would like to apologize for still being on the air. VERDICT: RIGHT!

New York Giants vs. FOX’s ‘Til Death – Wow, I actually predicted ‘Til Death on this one. But not out of a respect for Brad Garrett’s comedic timing, but out of doom for the G-Men’s (8-8) season. The problem here? Eli Manning in the pocket is funnier than the comedy of ‘Til Death, and that’s just tragedy. But somehow, inexplicably, the Giants made the playoffs, so we’ll give them the W. VERDICT: WRONG!

Washington Redskins vs. BRAVO’s Million Dollar Listing – What to say of an underachieving ‘Skins campaign? (5-11) Back in August, I said the following: “They’re not playoff bound, but they win this Scrooge McDuck matchup.” But while the Redskins won 5, MDL lasted 6 episodes. Dagger. VERDICT: WRONG!

Dallas Cowboys vs. Fox’s The Wedding Bells – This show is actually coming on the air in a few weeks, having been pushed back in the schedule so Fox could give us the World Series and Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader. One should consider Dallas (9-7) a success story, with a young QB, TO not exploding, and a solid defensive effort against everyone but Philly and New Orleans. The Wedding Bells – probably not in the market for a renewal. VERDICT: RIGHT!

Philadelphia Eagles vs. CBS’s Jericho – Jericho didn’t exactly grip the nation like CBS had hoped, as this Lost clone now is mired after a few scheduling changes. A week after the Eagles’ (10-6) loss to the Saints in the playoffs, someone asked me if I was over how it ended. I could honestly say yes. After McNabb went down, I’m more than happy with the streak of wins and a playoff game victory. VERDICT: RIGHT!

San Francisco 49ers vs. FOX’s Happy Hour – The 49ers (7-9) won 7 games and almost won the NFC West away from the coasting Seattle Seahawks. Their QB of the future showed promise, and Frank Gore was a fantasy stud. The cast of Happy Hour got their cars towed, as the show was cancelled so fast they didn’t even make it out to the parking lot. VERDICT: RIGHT!

St. Louis Rams vs. ABC’s Brothers and Sisters – In order to advance in my Condon fantasy league, I needed a huge MNF game out of Marc Bulger, hoping the Rams (8-8) could pull out a win themselves. I was within 6 points as Bulger fired down the right sideline during garbage time to Isaac Bruce, making it possible for me to move on. Instead, the Bears’ Charles Tillman picked it off. I guess he was a big fan of Brothers and Sisters. VERDICT: RIGHT!

Seattle Seahawks and FOX’s Justice – Justice was a Fox legal drama with no real “catch.” It was just lawyers dealing with cases in L.A. It got put on hiatus in November, and Fox is pretending it doesn’t even exist. The Seahawks (9-7) were almost canceled in the first round of the playoffs, but Tony Romo made sure that didn’t happen. VERDICT: RIGHT!

Arizona Cardinals vs. ABC’s Help Me Help You – The Cardinals (5-11) blew one of the most memorable Monday Night Football games in recent years, bowing out to the Bears and allowing us (via Denny Green) to know that the Bears “are who we thought they are.” The uninspired Ted Danson psych comedy was a goner by December. This is a real coin flip here, so let’s flip an actual coin. And the winner? Arizona VERDICT: RIGHT

NFC 11, Fall TV 5
Condon's Record: 11-5

Lyrical Brilliance in Two Dimensions

Amidst the wreckage of this year’s Grammys, it appears that one of the 481 awards they hand out went to the Black Eyed Peas for Best Pop Performance by a Duo or Group. And to what melodic ode can they attribute their new shiny golden paperweight?

My Humps.

Yes, the song that was listed as having the absolute WORST song lyrics in the HISTORY OF MUSIC by The Boston Phoenix (an excellent read, btw) was number one this year in this category. I’m surprised the guys from The Fray didn’t actually cut the cables to their cable car upon learning the news. (It should be noted that our two previous lyrical tirade recipients, LFO and Train, also made the list. Damn straight.) Good God – let’s just hope that this particular Grammy wasn’t one of those specific songwriters’ award. Because if it is, in the words of Alex Trebek, “We’ve reached a new low.”

It’s not that hard to write good lyrics, people. I’m not talking great ones, just good ones – ones that make more sense than “lovely lady lumps.” Paul Simon, Elvis Costello, Garth Brooks – these people can write good lyrics. But one does not need to be classically gifted like those three to write poignant, catchy verse. Look at TV theme songs! Some of these are inherently clever! Hell, I’ll even take the Rembrandts over Fergie. In order to point out just how ludicrous her music is, I’m going to take this morning’s post to highlight lyrical brilliance in the most unusual of places.

The Disney Afternoon.

Yes, an underappreciated haven for excellent songwriting comes courtesy of those silly cartoons that you watched after school in the early nineties. Yeah, the colors were shiny and there was a disproportionate number of ducks in that cartoon block, but you were sucked in every day. And it wasn’t because the storylines were riveting or that you had a crush on Launchpad McQuack; it was those theme songs. In ascending order of, well, awesomeness, I give you the themes of the Disney Afternoon.

5. RESCUE RANGERS – Ch-Ch-Ch-Chip and Dale, now with a stuttering problem! Ok, definitely the weakest, but today would at least be deserving of a nomination in Best Pop Performance by a Duo of Group (they can have the Pussycat Dolls’ spot). Unmemorable verse, but a chorus that sticks. Also, my sister and I beat this Nintendo game 3 days after we got it on Christmas. Warrants mentioning.

4. DARKWING DUCK – When there’s trouble, you call DW. Not that’s a complex rhyme that I’m proud to present. And for no reason whatsoever, they hired Michael Clarke Duncan to say “Let’s Get Dangerous” in the middle of the choruses. Solid effort.

3. GUMMI BEARS – By far the best part of this cartoon – which I hated by the way. The cartoon itself made such little sense, and all in all, was secretly run by drug runners (Gummiberry juice that makes you fly? Hello?) But I really think that this song could be played as an army marches into battle, and even though there’s a complete lack of driving rhythm but a surprising amount of French Horn. Just follow the first verse:

Dashing and daring, Courageous and caring, Faithful and friendly, With stories to share.
All through the forest, They sing out in chorus, Marching along, As their song fills the air!

(Now picture it with sweet Mister Mister-esque vocals. Rock.)

2. DUCK TALES – Duck puns are too easy to make, and they rarely pay off (see Spud’s Film Critic review of Howard the Duck for proof.) And yet, the writers of the Duck Tales theme pull it off. (It’s a duck blur?) And yes, the most memorable part of it is the chorus’ “Woo-Ooo,” but that’s still better than saying “My Hump” 6 straight times, right? In addition, the chorus is as follows:

Duck Tales, Woo-ooo / Tales of derring-do, bad and good luck tales, Woo-Ooo

Any kids’ TV theme songwriter that’s gutsy enough to use a grown-up term like derring-do in a chorus needs to be commended.

1. TALE SPIN - I’m pretty sure they came up with this cartoon for two reasons – 1) to offset the duck infestation that was taking over the TV and 2) to showcase the theme song. It’s like Tim Rice and Alan Menken, hot off their movie streak (Aladdin, Lion King, Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast) had this great calypso riff in their head. And they pitched it to Disney, but they had no plans to do a Caribbean flick – Pocahontas was next – and Pirates wouldn’t come until a decade later. So in order to appease them, they came up with Tale Spin, which feature a Doobie Brothers-type breakdown in the middle that is, well, awe-inspring.

I rest my case.

I'm No Superman, Part 2

The following events and dialogue transpired in the mid-afternoon Tuesday, February 13, 2007. Because of the looming ice storm, the regularly scheduled employees of INOVA Fair Oaks Hospital were unable to make it in. In their place, the cast of TV’s Scrubs, at the end of their unexpected shift.

JD: Now that the Janitor has let me with no real news as to the well-being of Katie and Chris, not to mention no pretzel to eat for lunch, it may come as no surprise that when it comes to the miracle of birth, I have as much know-how as Dr. Kelso has tact with our nursing staff
Dr. Kelso: Good afternoon, ladies. I’d ask how you all are doing, really I would, but it’s that I’m old and then that information as to how you are, which I don’t give a damn about, would enter my brain and push important medical knowledge out. Surely, you understand.
Carla: Of course, Dr. Kelso. Can I get you a coffee?
Dr. Kelso: Why, that would be lovely!
Turk: Baby, did you just inject pudding into Kelso’s coffee?
Carla: Why yes. That’s right. I did.
Turk: That’s my girl!!! So uh, have you gotten a chance to sew those Hot Poc-
Carla: Can I get you a coffee?
Turk: Why sur-wait a minute.
JD: As I walked into the delivery room, with all the carefree spirit of a brand new baby, I looked at my watch – 3:43 PM. Which meant I also was looking at a brand new baby. Hello there, what’s your little girl’s name?
Chris Condon: It’s Clara Grace.
JD: I love that name. Dr. Cox says Clara is my Monday name, and he uses Grace on every other Thursday.
Chris: That’s really nice. You know I loved you in Garden State.
JD: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Chris: Sure you do – you’re Zach Braff, and you’re a talented writer/actor/director. A real triple threat. Of course, this is nonwithstanding that silly romantic comedy you spit out last fall – what was that about?
JD: No, see my nametag? My name is J.D. I have no idea what picture you are referring to, unless it’s to my feature film hospital drama debut, Dr. Acula.
Katie: Uh, guys?
Chris and JD: What?
Chris: Oh, I’m so sorry, honey – it’s just not every day that Zach Braff-
JD: It’s just not every day that JOHN DORIAN-
Chris: - whatever – look man – it’s not about who you are or are not pretending to be – it’s about my wife and my new baby girl and or new family. Hell, you’re not even supposed to be here today.
Dr. Cox: Well, bravo there, Tall Man – no I mean really, that was an excellent Super Daddy moment you just laid on us. I think I head that speech on a Hallmark Special just last week – this of course doesn’t mean that I actually watch Hallmark Specials but rather I am using it as an example for all new fathers who feel they can conquer the world, but have to start with overstepping Newbies that just don’t know where to stop and instead annoy us all with their inner monologue. Man, it’s times like these where you wonder why I just cross my arms like so and speak in massive run-on sentences. (Pauses) Or not.
JD: (cue some obscure mellow song by The Shins or Death Cab) Yes, it’s the miracle of life and it happens every day at the hospital. The parents are always changing and the babies are always crying, but it’s beautiful and it’s why I got into medicine. Granted, who knows when I’ll take that leap into fatherhood, since I plan to spend another 3 seasons pining over Elliott, but c’est la vie.

(later)
Katie: I can’t believe she’s actually here, in my arms.
Chris: I can’t believe Zach Braff helped deliver our child.

Godzilla's Next Challenger

“Mom! We're on high alert here. I almost killed you! Right then! You don't even know!”
- Eddie (Vince Vaughn), “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”

There are many types of drills in this world. There are the kind that you use (with limited success) to hang framed prints and posters on the wall. There are the formal marchings of the military, those which require a specialized sergeant to carry out. High schools often have whole teams of drill, that assist in halftime show entertainment at football games. Hell, they’re even drills that could really use a banana right now. However, none of these listed drills can help you when danger is around the corner.

That’s why we have safety drills, orderly exercises that train people as to how to act under extreme situations of duress and panic. They’re pretty effective, we assume, considering we live outside the path of hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, and air raids (?). But you can never prepare too much, we sometimes believe, which is why we wish to pass on this story of careful preparation, in case you ever find yourself in a similar situation.

Ah, the old escaped ferocious animal drill.

Now I’ve been to a few zoos in my lifetime, and I’ve always wondered would happen if any of the more mobile animals were to escape their nature preserve-like habitats. Most animals (at least in Philly and DC) either have 1) water 2)a fence or 3) the simple laws of gravity to prevent them for joining the tourists on the other side. Yeah, birds can fly around but if a toucan gets out, is anyone fearing for their lives (assuming you aren’t holding a multi-colored bowl of fruity cereal?) But monkeys – yeah – now there’s a real threat to society.

Those suckers can move.

Much like the kids in Jurassic Park, monkeys know that they have to climb if they want to overcome a giant fence (electrified or not). And in case they try and pull such a stunt, the Zookeepers of the Tokyo Tama Zoo are drilling to make sure they know how to act accordingly.

Enter Guy in a Monkey Suit.

Yes, the Tokyo Zoo’s idea to see how their employees would prepare for a loose monkey was to dress up one of their own and set him loose on the sidewalks. First off, I don’t care how noble you’re feeling – if there is an upright monkey as tall as you casually walking your way, you don’t try and contain it; you run for your life.

So the monkey is freewheeling his way through the park and the Tama Zookeeper Strike Force leaps into action. Yes, that’s a mini-clown car assault vehicle, and yes, that’s a woman with a tranquilizing shotgun hanging out the window to take that monkey down.

And it appears she succeeded.

But here’s the thing about this drill: they didn’t plan for the consequences. While the fake monkey was stopped in its tracks, thus ensuring a peaceful return to his cage of origin, the image of a primate being gunned down in cold fur is now emblazoned in the memories of horrified school children.

The final act, however, was greeted by hysteria among the young crowd who, as they watched the drama unfold, were completely taken in by the animal's 'demise'. It took some time for staff to circulate and reassure the audience that the horror had all been a fantasy.

The next time my office has a fire drill, I think I’m going to convince our intern to run around the building dressed as a raging ball of flame and fire. Yeah, that’ll do the trick.

Undercover Savior

Over 2000 years of Christianity, the hardest question for latter-day believers to answer is not the marketing genius of “What Would Jesus Do?”, but rather the more carefully defined “What Did Jesus Say?” Motivational speakers may insist that actions speak louder than words, but when it came to the Son of God, he held an ace up his sleeve. Sure, his actions (turning water into wine, the miraculous buffet line at Cana) were righteously cool, but when you have the trump card that anything you say becomes Truth, well then, that’s a mighty power, isn’t it?

(Of course, that meant Jesus had to be a straight-shooting orator with no wavering. What if the early Christians didn’t understand sarcasm? He could have said something like, “Oh yeah, Jude, you could TOTALLY knock down that tree if you ran into it headfirst like a bull.” Had Jesus been sarcastic, I’m sure we would have gone through Apostles faster than the Flyers do goalies. Ok, back to the point.)

Fortunately for modern Christians, the early shift wrote down many of these Words of God in a well-translated and unabridged compendium of Godspeak. Today, we know it as the Bible. (Previous fad names that have faded over the years: The Chronicles of Jesus, Lord of the Things (All of ‘Em!), and The Almighty Deity in the Hat) Now when a Christian wants to know what God and the Church teach on a matter, they can easily flip open the Good Book and do some research. Don’t believe us? Fine.

As an example, let’s look at hunting.

I mean, sure, God only spent one of his first seven days of Creation coming up with all crazy sorts of animals to populate the Earth, but wouldn’t the Almighty get mad if his favorite creation (read: us) started taking potshots at the other members of His Kingdom as they try to innocently cross a meadow or stream? What if you were in that position? Say you spent all day building a fleet of Lego spaceships – a real majestic set of crafts that would make even George Lucas blush. And while getting a sandwich from the kitchen, the one Lego Technic (the ones with the motors) battle cruiser you built flips out and just starts smashing fighter jet after fighter jet. Wouldn’t you feel up for some post-lunchtime smiting of that one rogue Technic?

Hell yes you would.

(The previous example needs two disclaimers – 1) I don’t currently have time to play with Legos, although I would totally like to, and 2) I never had any Lego Technic sets, so I may be speculating on their abilities a touch.)

According to Proverbs 12:27, "The slothful man roasteth not that which he took in hunting: but the substance of a diligent man is precious." Huh? Translated, this means that it is not wrong to hunt, but if one hunts for sport with no intention of using the animal for trade or food is slothful. Yes, he is full of sloth. Wait that makes zero sense at all. Ok, long story short, when you used to play Oregon Trail and would kill 32 bison in a single hunting session, but were only capable of carrying 200 pounds back to your shoddy covered wagon – that was morally wrong as per God. Which is probably why on the way to the next town you son Johnny dyed of dysentery. Payback’s a bitch.

While we feel that this was incredibly helpful for all you hunters out there, we’re a little worried that YAB doesn’t exactly reach to the far corners of the forest. Even laptop-toting hunters probably can’t get a wireless signal up in their little tree perches, and therefore, have no way to know how God is accounting for their actions. Lucky for YAB, we have help in the fight to spread God’s word.

Like OneSource Outfitters.

That’s right, hunting people! You can take the Word of God with you on your next foray into shooting animals for food and profit with your very own Camo Bible! It’s the New King James Version (King James was known to be a deadly marksman for quail back in the day), and features a mossy Oak Breakup camouflage cover. Now as you wait up in your crow’s nest with weapon drawn, you can sooth your nerves with some delightful Psalms, or maybe get pumped with the fire and brimstone of Revelations. Why? Because that deer over there can’t see your Bible, now that it’s been covertly dressed.

As for you in a BRIGHT ORANGE VEST, well, that’s another issue.