Dueling Previews, Part IV

Hey, look at that! On your keyboard! There’s that special six-pack of keys that exist to loom over the directional arrow keys! You see that one particular key in the bottom-right? Page Down? Press it. A lot. This mega-column was 6,000 words, so if you haven’t been with us on Friday, you’ve got some catching up to do.

Part 4 of YAB's Simultaneous Fall TV and NFL Preview…and scene!

AFC East

Miami Dolphins and 30 Rock (NBC, Wed, 8:00) – So, the Dolphins are everybody’s sleeper pick to get into the playoffs and make some noise, eh? Ok, they’ve upgraded at QB, handed the running game over to the promising Ronnie Brown, have a bona fide star WR in Chris Chambers, and Wes Welker is returning to his jack-of-all-trades role. Things are good on the field. But off the field, something happened that may have a lingering effect on the defensive side of the ball. For the past 6 years, defensive end Jason Taylor and linebacker Zach Thomas have led the ‘Fins D to solid production each year. How are these leaders so close? Well, Taylor actually married Thomas’ sister in 2003. Things have been good. But since Taylor and Zach Thomas’ sister filed for divorce this past spring, could this fracture the unity Miami has had on D? Sacks will no longer be celebrated with “Nice job, Z-T – you want to come over and barbeque at the house later?” Instead, if Taylor misses a tackle now, Thomas may be declining that invite. How is this like the new SNL-themed comedy 30 Rock? Well, let’s say that SNL is the Dolphins of old. They had good games and bad games, but have been generally reliable. Now you have a spinoff sitcom headed by SNL’s most talented writer, Tina Fey, and she’s taking Rachel Dratch with her. They’re also relying on bringing in alum Tracy Morgan and host extraordinaire Alec Baldwin. That’s a lot of SNL to be taking from SNL. Now, they run the risk of making too many in-jokes and taking patronizing shots at the mouth that fed them for so long. Why? Because that’s why the viewing public would watch this show. Marriages are fun, but divorces are better TV. EDGE: Miami Dolphins

New England Patriots and Kidnapped (NBC, Wed, 10:00) – NBC’s making a power move by putting a major new drama against ABC’s major new drama, The Nine. And why not? They’ve got Timothy Hutton and Dana Delaney as a New York power couple who are going to flex some serious acting muscle, especially once they find out that their son has been kidnapped. The show will progress into a revelation that the duo aren’t the perfect family that we are originally led to believe. Should be good television. Meanwhile in Foxboro, the Patriots have also been the victim of a recent kidnapping. Coach Bill Belichick is without his defensive coordinator, 35 year-old Eric Mangini. Belichick was quoted as saying, “Yeah, I used to take Eric to football games and give him money for ice cream, and just like that, he was gone. How much is the ransom? Eh, screw him.” EDGE: New England Patriots

New York Jets and Men in Trees (ABC, Fri, 9:00) – Anne Heche is back! But unfortunately, her new 1 hour dramedy is a scripted show and won’t let her to improve much. After all, this is the reason I’d watch a show with Anne Heche – for more outbursts like when she claimed her alter-ego, Celestia, was the half-sister of Jesus. But no, this show will play out like a cross between “Someone Like You” and that crappy Heather Graham sitcom that lasted all of 3 episodes. Will there be Men in Trees in the Meadowlands? There sure will. With Chad Pennington’s arm having all the consistency of string cheese, there will be many an errant pass stuck in the trees surrounding the Jets’ practice facility. They’ll be better than you think, but not much. (Especially once Patrick Ramsey takes over in Week 5) EDGE: New York Jets

Buffalo Bills and Six Degrees (ABC, Thu, 10:00) – From the producers of Lost and Alias come six New Yorkers – and despite the various occupations, genders, and ages, there’s a good chance they each are a better quarterback than J.P. Losman. The cast of six includes the poor man’s Julia Stiles (Erika Christensen), Jay Hernandez, who played some ball in Friday Night Lights, and Bridget Moynihan, who has skills by association (she’s the girlfriend of Bills nemesis Tom Brady.) At some point, we’ll figure out their connection, but this has potential to suck in an audience and get that fanbase it will need to be a survivor. The Bills, a different breed of New Yorkers, don’t have the star power Six Degrees does, but consider this. Buffalo is the home of the Goo Goo Dolls. The Goo Goo Dolls had a hit record titled “Give a Little Bit.” This is a cover of the original song by Cheap Trick. Cheap Trick was also known for the song “I Want You to Want Me.” This song was covered and featured in the teen comedy Ten Things I Hate About You. That movie starred Julia Stiles, the rich man’s Erika Christensen. And that, my friends, is how Six Degrees is done. EDGE: Six Degrees

AFC West

Denver Broncos and Shark (CBS, Thu, 10:00) – From the official CBS press release – “Sebastian Stark, a charismatic, supremely self-confident defense attorney who, after a shocking outcome in one of his cases and a personal epiphany, brings his cutthroat tactics to the prosecutor's office as the head of the Los Angeles District Attorney's High Profile Crime Unit.” This show is also said to have a younger “apprentice-type” cast, which leads me to believe it to try and be a House knockoff, and without the genius that is Hugh Laurie. But let’s focus on the network’s description of Stark (played by James Woods). Can we not apply this from a fantasy perspective to the Broncos Head Coach Mike Shanahan? By inventing the running back by committee, you never quite know what to think of playing Mike Bell or Tatum Bell. And what’s more – he knows he holds this power. Which is why he taunts us. What a shark. EDGE: Denver Broncos

Oakland Raiders and Celebrity Duets (FOX, Thu, 9:00) – Just because Dancing with the Stars exposed some hidden talents of supertalent A-list megastars like John O’Hurley and Drew Lachey doesn’t mean that this one’s going to make it a second season. When someone can’t dance, their professional partner can do a damn good job in helping and hiding the weakness, and faking it can take someone like Master P a few rounds. However, there’s no such safety net in singing. If someone has an amateur voice, the pro (Kenny Loggins or whoever) can’t doing anything to save them. So pretty much, Fox is providing a show with solid talent ready to sing beautiful songs, and somebody who thinks they can sing (Carly Patterson, really?) is getting ready to screw it up. Strangely, the Raiders have a similar plan. Build a solid offensive line with the durable Lamont Jordan running behind it, have one of the best WRs in the game in Randy Moss running the deep routes, and the glue that holds them together? Aaron Brooks. Here is an example of Brooks in action. Good luck, Silver and Black. EDGE: Celebrity Duets? I guess?

San Diego Chargers and Vanished (FOX, Mon, 9:00) – Quite possibly a cross of Fox’s two hit dramas, 24 and Prison Break, it seems that Rupert Murdoch’s channel has finally figured out how to succeed in more than animated comedy. Fox pushed promo of this show during every major sporting event they’ve had since the Super Bowl (yes, the Super Bowl was on ABC), and it looks like the hype might pay off. Vanished is the story of a senator’s wife who has inexplicably disappeared. The show is presented through various points of view, from the FBI to the senator to an involved reporter. With Prison Break as its lead-in and a strong cast, it should do well, and it is unlikely this show will be going anywhere mid-season. However, it is the Chargers that have fallen off everyone’s collective radar this season, and in the same vein as the Eagles, are often being left outside the playoff picture. The catalyst to this vanishing act? Drew Brees, who has bolted the Bolts to New Orleans, leaving the QB of the future, Philip Rivers, at the helm. Now the Chargers struggled against a hard schedule last year, and still managed a 9-7 season. But unless Rivers can establish a passing game so that defenses can’t load up against LaDanian Tomlinson, their playoff hopes will vanish by October. EDGE: Vanished

Kansas City Chiefs and Top Chef (BRAVO, Wed, 9:00) – What can we say about Top Chef? It’s technically not a new series, as it had a brief run last March and while critically-acclaimed, few viewers made it up to Bravo for it to catch on (in Fairfax, it’s channel 100 on non-digital sets) But we see what Bravo’s doing and we like it. While the networks have people competing in various arts, like singing or dancing, Bravo via Project Runway has started making contestants compete in their life-long professions. Like fashion design, cooking can bring in a paycheck, and this show will focus on the cooking, unlike Hell’s Kitchen. How do the Chiefs relate to this? Well, to be frank, they don’t. So we’ll close with two thoughts. One – Larry Johnson will be the leading fantasy football scorer this year. Two – Snickers and the Chiefs combined for one of the most clever ads of the nineties. EDGE: Kansas City Chiefs

Well, that’s it. We promise the next post will have nothing to do with football or television. Amish soccer, perhaps.