Lyrical Brilliance in Two Dimensions

Amidst the wreckage of this year’s Grammys, it appears that one of the 481 awards they hand out went to the Black Eyed Peas for Best Pop Performance by a Duo or Group. And to what melodic ode can they attribute their new shiny golden paperweight?

My Humps.

Yes, the song that was listed as having the absolute WORST song lyrics in the HISTORY OF MUSIC by The Boston Phoenix (an excellent read, btw) was number one this year in this category. I’m surprised the guys from The Fray didn’t actually cut the cables to their cable car upon learning the news. (It should be noted that our two previous lyrical tirade recipients, LFO and Train, also made the list. Damn straight.) Good God – let’s just hope that this particular Grammy wasn’t one of those specific songwriters’ award. Because if it is, in the words of Alex Trebek, “We’ve reached a new low.”

It’s not that hard to write good lyrics, people. I’m not talking great ones, just good ones – ones that make more sense than “lovely lady lumps.” Paul Simon, Elvis Costello, Garth Brooks – these people can write good lyrics. But one does not need to be classically gifted like those three to write poignant, catchy verse. Look at TV theme songs! Some of these are inherently clever! Hell, I’ll even take the Rembrandts over Fergie. In order to point out just how ludicrous her music is, I’m going to take this morning’s post to highlight lyrical brilliance in the most unusual of places.

The Disney Afternoon.

Yes, an underappreciated haven for excellent songwriting comes courtesy of those silly cartoons that you watched after school in the early nineties. Yeah, the colors were shiny and there was a disproportionate number of ducks in that cartoon block, but you were sucked in every day. And it wasn’t because the storylines were riveting or that you had a crush on Launchpad McQuack; it was those theme songs. In ascending order of, well, awesomeness, I give you the themes of the Disney Afternoon.

5. RESCUE RANGERS – Ch-Ch-Ch-Chip and Dale, now with a stuttering problem! Ok, definitely the weakest, but today would at least be deserving of a nomination in Best Pop Performance by a Duo of Group (they can have the Pussycat Dolls’ spot). Unmemorable verse, but a chorus that sticks. Also, my sister and I beat this Nintendo game 3 days after we got it on Christmas. Warrants mentioning.

4. DARKWING DUCK – When there’s trouble, you call DW. Not that’s a complex rhyme that I’m proud to present. And for no reason whatsoever, they hired Michael Clarke Duncan to say “Let’s Get Dangerous” in the middle of the choruses. Solid effort.

3. GUMMI BEARS – By far the best part of this cartoon – which I hated by the way. The cartoon itself made such little sense, and all in all, was secretly run by drug runners (Gummiberry juice that makes you fly? Hello?) But I really think that this song could be played as an army marches into battle, and even though there’s a complete lack of driving rhythm but a surprising amount of French Horn. Just follow the first verse:

Dashing and daring, Courageous and caring, Faithful and friendly, With stories to share.
All through the forest, They sing out in chorus, Marching along, As their song fills the air!

(Now picture it with sweet Mister Mister-esque vocals. Rock.)

2. DUCK TALES – Duck puns are too easy to make, and they rarely pay off (see Spud’s Film Critic review of Howard the Duck for proof.) And yet, the writers of the Duck Tales theme pull it off. (It’s a duck blur?) And yes, the most memorable part of it is the chorus’ “Woo-Ooo,” but that’s still better than saying “My Hump” 6 straight times, right? In addition, the chorus is as follows:

Duck Tales, Woo-ooo / Tales of derring-do, bad and good luck tales, Woo-Ooo

Any kids’ TV theme songwriter that’s gutsy enough to use a grown-up term like derring-do in a chorus needs to be commended.

1. TALE SPIN - I’m pretty sure they came up with this cartoon for two reasons – 1) to offset the duck infestation that was taking over the TV and 2) to showcase the theme song. It’s like Tim Rice and Alan Menken, hot off their movie streak (Aladdin, Lion King, Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast) had this great calypso riff in their head. And they pitched it to Disney, but they had no plans to do a Caribbean flick – Pocahontas was next – and Pirates wouldn’t come until a decade later. So in order to appease them, they came up with Tale Spin, which feature a Doobie Brothers-type breakdown in the middle that is, well, awe-inspring.

I rest my case.