Undercover Savior

Over 2000 years of Christianity, the hardest question for latter-day believers to answer is not the marketing genius of “What Would Jesus Do?”, but rather the more carefully defined “What Did Jesus Say?” Motivational speakers may insist that actions speak louder than words, but when it came to the Son of God, he held an ace up his sleeve. Sure, his actions (turning water into wine, the miraculous buffet line at Cana) were righteously cool, but when you have the trump card that anything you say becomes Truth, well then, that’s a mighty power, isn’t it?

(Of course, that meant Jesus had to be a straight-shooting orator with no wavering. What if the early Christians didn’t understand sarcasm? He could have said something like, “Oh yeah, Jude, you could TOTALLY knock down that tree if you ran into it headfirst like a bull.” Had Jesus been sarcastic, I’m sure we would have gone through Apostles faster than the Flyers do goalies. Ok, back to the point.)

Fortunately for modern Christians, the early shift wrote down many of these Words of God in a well-translated and unabridged compendium of Godspeak. Today, we know it as the Bible. (Previous fad names that have faded over the years: The Chronicles of Jesus, Lord of the Things (All of ‘Em!), and The Almighty Deity in the Hat) Now when a Christian wants to know what God and the Church teach on a matter, they can easily flip open the Good Book and do some research. Don’t believe us? Fine.

As an example, let’s look at hunting.

I mean, sure, God only spent one of his first seven days of Creation coming up with all crazy sorts of animals to populate the Earth, but wouldn’t the Almighty get mad if his favorite creation (read: us) started taking potshots at the other members of His Kingdom as they try to innocently cross a meadow or stream? What if you were in that position? Say you spent all day building a fleet of Lego spaceships – a real majestic set of crafts that would make even George Lucas blush. And while getting a sandwich from the kitchen, the one Lego Technic (the ones with the motors) battle cruiser you built flips out and just starts smashing fighter jet after fighter jet. Wouldn’t you feel up for some post-lunchtime smiting of that one rogue Technic?

Hell yes you would.

(The previous example needs two disclaimers – 1) I don’t currently have time to play with Legos, although I would totally like to, and 2) I never had any Lego Technic sets, so I may be speculating on their abilities a touch.)

According to Proverbs 12:27, "The slothful man roasteth not that which he took in hunting: but the substance of a diligent man is precious." Huh? Translated, this means that it is not wrong to hunt, but if one hunts for sport with no intention of using the animal for trade or food is slothful. Yes, he is full of sloth. Wait that makes zero sense at all. Ok, long story short, when you used to play Oregon Trail and would kill 32 bison in a single hunting session, but were only capable of carrying 200 pounds back to your shoddy covered wagon – that was morally wrong as per God. Which is probably why on the way to the next town you son Johnny dyed of dysentery. Payback’s a bitch.

While we feel that this was incredibly helpful for all you hunters out there, we’re a little worried that YAB doesn’t exactly reach to the far corners of the forest. Even laptop-toting hunters probably can’t get a wireless signal up in their little tree perches, and therefore, have no way to know how God is accounting for their actions. Lucky for YAB, we have help in the fight to spread God’s word.

Like OneSource Outfitters.

That’s right, hunting people! You can take the Word of God with you on your next foray into shooting animals for food and profit with your very own Camo Bible! It’s the New King James Version (King James was known to be a deadly marksman for quail back in the day), and features a mossy Oak Breakup camouflage cover. Now as you wait up in your crow’s nest with weapon drawn, you can sooth your nerves with some delightful Psalms, or maybe get pumped with the fire and brimstone of Revelations. Why? Because that deer over there can’t see your Bible, now that it’s been covertly dressed.

As for you in a BRIGHT ORANGE VEST, well, that’s another issue.